In her latest bid for media attention, Cindy Sheehan has been arrested by police once again, this time during a protest in front of the White House. Last week she was seen getting cozy with everyone’s favorite commie dictator (move over Fidel!) Hugo Chavez. During their meeting, Chavez expressed support for Sheehan’s tentative plan to run for Congress. Other politicians supported by Chavez include Mao Zedong, Saddam Hussein and Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

If she decides to run for Congress, I think she’d do much better if she dumped her current sponsors. The far-left organizations currently ponying up for Sheehan’s plane tickets and port-a-potties are relatively obscure, and lack the sassy, cutting-edge image she needs to attract other unemployed malcontents. I’d suggest soliciting sponsorship from companies like Zumiez, Mountain Dew, and maybe the guys who make those food storage container things where all the lids fit. Also, it spins.

[tags]Sheehan, arrested[/tags]

Fun pictures inside! (more…)

Mistress Lauren M, a.k.a. Barbara Asher, was acquitted of manslaughter charges brought against her after 53-year-old Michael Lord allegedly died on the rack in her condo’s erotic dungeon. (It is questionable whether local developers will continue to include dungeons in residential floorplans.) Sporting a smart leather mask and patriotic tie, theprosecutor argued that Mistress Lauren had confessed to helping her boyfriend dismember and dump Lord’s body.

The defense argued that there was no evidence Lord was dead, and no evidence the defendant had confessed since investigators hadn’t recorded the interview or saved their notes. I was able to obtain a scrap of one of their notes (right) which may offer some insight into their reluctance to produce them for the court.

• Note: Like guns and pit bulls, medieval torture devices are routinely given a bad name through selective reporting by an unabashedly anti-medieval-torture-device press. Due to this bias, positive aspects of medieval implements of torture are often ignored. For example, journalists rarely mention the fact that when properly used, the rack is very useful for procuring false confessions and spontaneous religious conversions.

[tags]dominatrix trial, manslaughter, medieval[/tags]

What does Scientology have to do with Criminology?

Scientology, the infamous religion of intellectual giants like Tom Cruise and John Travolta, was first associated with criminal activity in 1973 when Scientology leaders began operation “Snow White.” Despite the whimsical code name, Snow White was in reality a very successful plot by the religion’s founder, L. Ron Hubbard, to destroy anyone who spoke out against Scientology or looked at him cross-eyed. Since then, leaders of the church have been a part of all sorts of crazy shenanigans. For example, some of them (including Hubbard’s wife) spent time in prison for infiltrating, burglarizing, and bugging the IRS. Additionally, the church has been repeatedly accused of fraud, wrongful death, false imprisonment, assault, and harassment. It’s had to pay megabucks in damages to victims of its emotional, psychological, and physical abuse.

Because of an alien supervillain named Xenu. But let’s back up for a moment, shall we? Scientology teaches that many of life’s problems are due to traumatic past life experiences. Some of these are personal experiences, others are common memories shared by all mankind. For example, Hubbard explained that since we all evolved from clams, many of us harbor residual post-traumatic stress from repeatedly opening and closing our shells, being assaulted by birds, and so forth. However, the most important of these shared past life experiences involves Xenu, the aforementioned space overlord. But BEWARE: The Church of Scientology warns that learning this information without proper mental preparation may cause severe illness or death.

That’s right, kids… It’s another
XENU ADVENTURE!

75 million years ago, Xenu wanted to reduce the population of several crowded planets. He, along with some renegade space soldiers and space psychiatrists (no wonder Tom Cruise hates them so much), conned billions of poor suckers by ordering them to show up for a tax inspection. The dutiful taxpayers (called “thetans”) where then sedated, loaded onto space planes, flown to Earth (then called Teegeeack), and piled around volcanoes. Then Xenu, filled with animus and illdisposedness, dropped H-bombs into the volcanoes and *poof!* no more population problem. Still, Xenu didn’t want Thetan souls floating back to his planets. And who can really blame him? So Xenu thought about it and decided the best way to handle the situation was to catch all the souls with sticky electronic beams and make them watch 3-D movies that would convince them that they were God, Christ, or the Devil. Afterwards, the souls inhabited the few bodies they could find, and they’re still hanging around us to this day. If you want to get rid of them, you’ll have to “shell out” money like the pathetic clam you are.

Oh, and as you may have guessed, Xenu was eventually imprisoned by an electronic forcefield in an alien mountain for all eternity.

[tags]Tom Cruise, scientology, criminology[/tags]

Ever notice how some public bathrooms have doors and some don’t? It takes a keen observer to detect these subtle differences, and that’s why I’m here.

More and more public restrooms are being designed with a “maze” entrance rather than a door. This averts crime by preventing enclosure and allowing sound to travel if someone calls for help. And if you find yourself in a stall with no toilet paper, a new roll is just a shrill, piercing scream away.

[tags]criminology, crime, restrooms[/tags]

Sweaty, multi-chinned southern lawyers are pouring themselves a celebratory mint julep in anticipation of the lucrative litigation that will undoubtedly result from the University of Florida’s new health insurance regulations. It seems that UF employees who want health benefits for their domestic partners are required to sign an affidavit swearing that they’re having sex.

This brings up a slew of legal issues. For example, what constitutes a partner? What constitutes sex? And what about employees who are:

• polyamorous
  Will UF accept employees with multiple “committed” partners? How can they be penalized when their only crime is loving too much?

• pedophiles
  Everyone loves kids. How can employees in intergenerational relationships be penalized when their only crime is loving too much (and child rape)?

• ugly
  What if an employee’s partner finds him or her visually repulsive? Should domestic partners with discerning tastes be denied basic health care?

• asexual
  Just because a UF employee isn’t interested in sex doesn’t mean his or her illiterate, undocumented Venezuelan houseboy shouldn’t have adequate health insurance.

[tags]University of Florida, health insurance, litigation, domestic partners[/tags]