The FBI isn’t used to being one-upped by people who sell adult diapers and Spongebob shower curtains, but thanks to Target, the kids down at the bureau are left sullenly masticating their humble pie. The national retailer has a fancy-shmancy crime lab in Minneapolis, stocked with all the latest forensic bells ‘n’ whistles. I bet they have some brains in jars, too. The facility was built to help prevent and prosecute crimes within Target, but word spread, and the FBI joined other law enforcement agencies leaving candy and flowers on Target Corp’s doorstep.

The demand for Target’s services was so great, in fact, that they had to develop special rules for all the pro bono cases. Now, they only accept cases involving violent felonies, and have been investigating competitor Wal-Mart for “…cloning an army of ‘manimals,’ horrible half-man, half-beast creatures that hypnotize you, then eat your face.”

In addition, Target is also helping criminal justice agencies communicate more effectively by developing an “inventory” (criminal) control program, a database of offenders that can be used by everyone. But I don’t think practical application of inventory management strategies should stop there. Why can’t we attach plastic security tags to each inmate, like stores do with leather coats? Then if a prisoner tries to leave before his tag is removed, he’ll beep. And everyone will turn and look at him and he’ll get all embarrassed and denounce crime forever.

[tags]Target, FBI, crime lab[/tags]

I studied for two years and racked up thousands of dollars in student loans to earn a M.S. in Criminology. But alas, it was all for naught. Because as it turns out, Everything I Needed to Know About Forensic Science I Learned From CSI.

1) Murder victims are primarily beautiful, blonde starlets.

2) Gang shootings and domestic assaults rarely occur because they are boring.

3) Don’t bother with an unflattering hair net or bulky face mask. A little cross-contamination is a small price to pay to look your best.

4) Lighting the crime lab with a single blacklight saves valuable taxpayer dollars. Just enough to buy a 7-ft plasma T.V. for the break room.

5) Lab technicians routinely carry weapons and apprehend criminals.

6) When collecting evidence, female crime scene investigators should wear very high heels in order to get a bird’s eye view of the crime scene.

7) Fingerprints can be lifted from internal organs.

8) Police detectives often invite crime scene analysts to participate in suspect interrogations, because scientists are sly and cunning.

9) Always wear sexy lingerie in case you are murdered.

10) If your superior in the Sheriff’s department thinks you and your colleagues are a ragtag gang of ne’er-do-well vigilantes, don’t worry. He’s just a plot device.

[tags]CSI, criminology, humor, crime[/tags]

Historically, guys have never liked being told what to do. For centuries, men have used the law to keep women from saying things they don’t like. Unfortunately, many of my gender are currently engaged in retaliatory social castration , and two wrongs don’t make a right. However, I think three might do the trick. How about tossing in some arson, or maybe a little bank fraud, ladies?

In medieval times, creative punishments were used to prevent wives from employing objectionable phrases like, “We would have money for food if you didn’t spend it all on booze,” “We wouldn’t have 14 mouths to feed if you’d just keep it in your pants,” and “Stop hitting me.” Women who were judged to be “scolds” were secured to a “ducking stool” and repeatedly dunked in the local pond or river.

The ducking stool became slightly less popular after the invention of a technologically advanced shrew-taming device called the “scold’s bridle.” This fashionable accessory included an iron frame that fit around the head, holding in place a spiked tongue depressor. (Hey, it’d be nice to have one of those around next time she won’t shut up about those ugly shoes she just bought… am I right, guys? Am I right?? YEAH! *high five* ) There was also a handy loop so the scold could be led around town and mocked, an example to other women who may have been thinking about saying something to somebody about something.

[tags]crime, women, criminology, law, history[/tags]

On this day in 1961, Wilbert Rideau, age 19, robbed a Louisiana bank of $14,000 and kidnapped bank manager Jay Hickman and tellers Julia Ferguson and Dora McCain. Rideau forced them into Ferguson’s car and drove to a remote area where he shot all three. Julia Ferguson had the audacity to beg for her life, so Rideau walked over to her and repeatedly stabbed her in the heart. Hickman and McCain survived.

It’s the south in the early 1960s: Racism is rampant, segregation is widespread. A media-happy sheriff conducted his interrogation in front of television cameras, and Rideau’s video confession was played on the local news. Last year Rideau explained he only confessed because, “I had never seen a television camera before. All I saw were bright lights and shadowy figures… I thought this must be the electric chair I’d heard about. I thought they were going to execute me.” Uh huh.

Anyhoo, after the confession, Rideau was found guilty by a southern all-white, all-male jury. It’s probable the jurors were racist, corn-fed Klanners; however, this doesn’t negate the fact that Rideau committed the crimes. The verdict was eventually overturned because the confession’s broadcast had tainted the jury pool. In the years to come, two more trials and two more guilty verdicts were overturned on the grounds of racial bias and other jury selection violations. In 2005, a fourth trial took place. The prosecution said he murdered a woman in cold blood, and should spend life in prison. Rideau argued that he killed her, but he didn’t murder her.

A racially mixed jury was selected in Lake Charles, LA. To ensure jury nullification, Johnny “Chewbacca” Cochran was hired to lead the defense team. Cochran played up the strengths of their case:

• In prison Wilbert Rideau had published an award-winning prison-bashing magazine, co-authored a Criminal Justice textbook, shared an Academy Award nomination for an anti-prison documentary, become a sought-after lecturer, and gained many high-profile supporters who fought for his freedom.
• Racist officials were racist.
• Thirteen prosecution witnesses were now dead.
• In a major victory for the defense, the judge only allowed the jury to consider verdicts that would have been available in 1961: Premeditated murder (life without parole) or manslaughter (21 years). If they had gone by 2005 law, he would have almost certainly been sentenced to life without parole, the sentence for killing someone in the commission of a felony.
• Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor, with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks?

Well, Johnny straightened us out, and Rideau walked out with time served. It seems we were all turned around about who the victim was in this case. If you thought it was Julia Ferguson, the Sunday school teacher who cared for her invalid father and was stabbed as she begged for her life, you were waaaaaaaaay off.

The victim is poor Wilbert Rideau, who stated he would have been released from prison years ago, but the man kept him locked up just because he was a black man who killed a white woman. So, he’s a victim of his victim’s race. Not only that; he was the unwitting victim of a nefarious telephone that rang and startled him during the armed robbery, forcing him to take hostages.

Today, Rideau is a media darling happily steeping in victimhood. NPR refers to him not as a murderer or ex-con, but as an “embattled journalist.” When the taped confession was played at the 2005 trial, the Washington Post describes young Wilbert as a “skinny and frightened man, his voice barely audible.” Rideau watched his recorded confession from the defense table”with his hands folded beneath his chin, prayerlike.” The same man who left Julia Ferguson bleeding on the road, deadlike.

“Everything I became, everything I have achieved, has been in spite of this unholy force from Lake Charles dedicated to destroying me and denying me the ability to be anything more than the criminal they wanted me to be.” ~Wilbert Rideau

Is there anything sexier than a shackled criminal? Of course there isn’t. That’s why Scott Peterson is bombarded with love letters, Charles Manson receives scores of marriage proposals, and somewhere out there, Ted Bundy’s spawn is being raised by a woman who couldn’t resist the romantic appeal of conjugal visits with a guy who raped and murdered dozens of girls and women.

Perhaps in a preemptive strike, Cassandre LaFortune came to court in a wedding gown and stood beside her man as he was sentenced last week. Akram “Ish” Jones, 26, will spend 10 to 20 years in prison for participating in a conspiracy to murder Terrance M. Maxie. Immediately after the sentencing, the judge officiated the wedding of Cassandre and Ish. After she finds out which correctional facility her new husband is assigned to, Cassandre says she will pack up and move to be near him.

A New Yorkian widowess is claiming her husband was yet another hapless victim of man’s greatest foe: the shrimp. While eating grillside at Benihana, a theatrical chef tossed a shrimp toward Jerry Colaitis who, depending on whose version you believe, either dodged it or tried to catch it in his mouth. Mrs. Colaitis insists the shrimp-dodge led to the neck pain which led to the surgery which led to the blood poisoning. Her husband died 10 months after the fateful (or fatal) meal.

The defense pointed out that the lawsuit was stupid. The jury agreed, and chose not to award the $16 million sought by the incorrigible Mrs. Colaitis.

[tags]lawsuit, killer shrimp lawsuit, crime, criminology[/tags]

I have a dream, a dream I think many people share: To see someone I know on America’s Most Wanted. I want to be one of those people they interview on a future episode: “He was always so nice! I saw him sometimes when I took out the trash, and he always smiled and waved. I never would have guessed he was a murderer. Then I was watching America’s Most Wanted and I was like, ‘It’s that guy who lives next door!’ I couldn’t believe it! I mean, I noticed he buried a lot of nurses in his backyard, but I guess I never put two and two together.”

Unfortunately, the chances of knowing a suspect from America’s Most Wanted are pretty slim. You’re much more likely to know a sex offender… which is still pretty good, right? You can check the sex offender registries of any U.S. state, and most include photos. Note the offenders in your zip code, especially if you have kids. And make sure children know that they should never go anywhere with a stranger (unless the stranger has candy or a cute furry animal).

[tags]sex offenders, sex offender registry, criminology, crime, America’s Most Wanted[/tags]

Exploding condoms: Great at parties!
A Boston mother/ex-strip club waitress was arrested for mailing home-made condom bombs (or “bombdoms” as I like to call them) to local strip clubs. The woman said she filled condoms with an explosive combination of Drano and gasoline because she was tired of men mistreating her. Apparently subtlety isn’t her strong suit.

Radio stations bribed to play Jessica Simpson songs
This explains so much. Station programmers also allegedly accepted bribes to give air time to songs by Jennifer Lopez, John Mayor, Michelle Branch, Celine Dion and others.

Mayor accused of making prisoners hang his Christmas lights
Oh, and also fix his air conditioner. Meanwhile, the Police Chief of the same small Arkansas town was making meth to frame someone, and the Chief’s wife was taking inmates out of prison for sex. Who would have thought something like this could happen in the South?

[tags]crime, condoms, Jessica Simpson, corruption[/tags]

It’s hard to believe that a handful of U.S. states, including my enlightened home state of Washington, have no laws against bestiality. Since it’s illegal to beat your animals, or poison them, or throw them in the river, or tie them to a ferris wheel while you go get a snow cone (I learned that one the hard way), it seems intuitive that raping them should constitute abuse under the law.

To the chagrin of jolly barnhoppers, a local senator has drafted a bill that would finally outlaw bestiality here Washington State. This legislation was spurred by an unfortunate accident last summer in the rural town of Enumclaw, WA. It seems a particularly adventurous gentleman died of “complications” after being on the receiving end of some red-hot horse lovin’. The man’s friend, who was filming the incident for posterity, had up to 100 similar VHS tapesconfiscated by the police. However, the tapes are useless as evidence since no law was e broken.

Of course, most animal abuse does not involve bestiality, and animal neglect or cruelty is a crime. Call the police to report animals who look sick, malnourished, or very, very silly.

[tags]animal abuse, bestiality, criminology[/tags]

Belts can present a number of hazards in prison. When criminals are booked, belts are confiscated along with heroine and UZIs, and inmates are sentenced to months or years of sagging pants that must be manually hitched up every few steps.

A portion of hip-hop culture has embraced crime and violence through rap lyrics and inevitable award show shootings, so it’s not really surprising thatprison life is glamorized by many rich hip-hop music artists. A Virginia delegate attempted to outlaw “sagging” with his Droopy-Pants bill, but the issue was dropped after several Fubu-wearing senators got all up in his grill.

However, I have to admit that I love this fashion trend. These thug wannabes are far more entertaining than goths or candy kids. You see one walking through the mall with his homies, engaged in a constant battle with his waistband that falls somewhere just above his knees, struggling to maintain his “look” in case he runs into any girls from his middle school. Suddenly, in the blink of an eye, his pants drop and pool around his ankles, exposing hisspindly white chicken legs to the entire food court. He reaches down, jacks up his pants, and he and his friends continue on their way as if nothing happened. In my opinion, no other current fashion provides this caliber of amusement.

[tags]prison, sagging, criminology, humor[/tags]