The Fox Network has long been known for its unwaivering commitment to producing quality original programs like When Animals Attack and Temptation Island (both of which, if I recall correctly, taught us to believe again). That strong moral compass is undoubtedly why Rupert Murdock and Co. chose to cancel O.J. Simpson’s book and accompanying television interview entitled “If I Did It,” a hypothetical confession to the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. Just to clear up any misconceptions, the cancellation had nothing (NOTHING!) to do with public outrage, sponsor withdrawal, ratings, profit loss, or the fact that anyone who saw the trial already knows how he did it.

On a side note… While searching for news articles on the O.J. Simpson book, I came across this bizarre Google ad:

If I did it?
If you did it enough, you’d need
BabySakes, the baby book superstore
www.Baby-Memory-Books.com

(…I’d say something witty, but I don’t want to spoil the moment.)

As post-election GOP candidates lie battered and bruised around the normally picturesque White House grounds, their mud-caked faces and bloody clothing spoiling the vacation pictures of countless tourists, there can be no doubt Mark Foley’s Online Adventures must take a share of the blame. Now famous for his nauseating, sexually charged emails to underage male White House pages, Rep. Foley gave the Democrats (or Bush, depending on your point of view) a little extra help pushing Republicans out of power. Scandal-weary voters were further angered by evidence indicating high-level Republicans were aware of Foley’s fondness for teenage boys and saturated fats, yet did little to stop the him.

And now for an IRONIC TWIST! Right smack-dab in the middle of this media circus, guess who up and croaked? That’s right, everybody’s favorite oldskool boy-lover, Democrat Rep. Gerry Studds. Back in the early 1980s, when I was hard at work making cardboard castles and pie-pan swimming pools for my My Little Ponies, it came out that Studds got drunk and dirty with a 17-year-old male page after propositioning a couple of other underage studds. Around the same time, Republican Rep. Dan Crane did the same thing, except his boink-a-thon (I’m so classy!) occured with a 17-year-old female. Both were censured by the House at the same time. Dan Crane apologized and his disgusted constituents never voted him back into office. Gerry Studds never apologized and was given a standing ovation (literally) by his constituents, who voted him back into office for several subsequent terms.

The media has relentlessly gone after Foley, and rightly so; what he did was a gross abuse of power. Studds, on the other hand, is receiving accolades from top Democrats and various progressive groups across the country. His glowing obituaries composed by even-handed, truth-hungry journalists paint a picture of a courageous, embattled warrior who fought for gay rights and local fishermen. Headline: Gerry Studds Dies at 69; First Openly Gay Congressman. I suppose Gerry Studds Dies at 69; First Openly Gay Congressman To Openly Screw An Openly Underage Male Page doesn’t have the same ring to it. But Underage and Page kind of rhyme, so I think it’s catchy.