Reidsville, NC: Seven-year-old Alisha was behind the front counter with her mom, a convenience store clerk, when an armed robber walked in demanding money and cigarettes. Alisha angrily yelled at him to “back off” and chased him out of the store while “mommy called the po-po.” As for his punishment, “He should be locked up by his gills and towed to the police.”

Seattle, WA: A man singing Coldplay’s “Yellow” at a Seattle karaoke bar was violently attacked by an enraged 21-year-old girl. “Oh, no, not that song. I can’t stand that song!” she screamed, and lunged at the singer. It took several people to pull her off of him.  I don’t blame the girl, though.. the victim’s blood is on Chris Martin’s immaculately groomed head.

Rochelle, GA: Juanita Jones, 53, called police to “help her get her money back” after discovering she’d unwittingly paid full price for substandard crack. Oh, those crazy crackheads and their madcap shenanigans!!

Sprint commercial featuring an anti-crime cell phone.  And no, Sprint didn’t pay to be featured on my website, but I’m hoping they’ll offer to pay me to not feature them.  The ball’s in your court, Sprint.