Holland, June 2007 Filled with the heady exuberance of youth (and cocaine), a young Hollandite decided to take daddy’s car for a spin. Four cop cars were damaged as police tried to keep him off the main roads. Finally he crashed into a ditch, but not before destroying some poor farmer’s corn field.  Yet another example of why kids shouldn’t be allowed to take cocaine without parental supervision.

Amidst the flurry of media coverage following allegations that noted baseball guy Barry Bonds used steroids and committed perjury, an August lawsuit against Bonds has been almost completely ignored. South Carolina prisoner Jonathan Lee Riches, currently serving ten years for fraud, accused Barry Bonds of numerous crimes including terrorism, moonshining and bat assault. Riches recounted a horrifying instance in which Barry Bonds bench-pressed him against his will, “to show off in front of his ballpark buddies.” Mr. Riches also witnessed Bonds “selling steroids to nuns.”

Jonathan Lee Riches has filed lawsuits involving a variety of high-profile sports figures. In September 2007 his formal complaint stated that the New England Patriots’ Bill Belichick, Tom Brady and Randy Moss had:

…illegally taped my prison phone calls to my family, then sold the tapes to CNN producer Andy Segal who illegally aired my copyrighted voice on ‘CNN Presents: How to Rob a Bank.’ I experienced a invasion of privacy from Defendants’ actions, my heart is broke forever.

In an October 2007 lawsuit, Riches accused George Steinbrenner of several misdeeds including “verbal sodomy”. In addition to his request for a temporary restraining order against Steinbrenner and $100 million in damages, Riches also demanded the return of his whips, chains, shaving cream, lotions and boxers. Other charges:

- Steinbrenner sent me pictures with a leash around his neck being dragged by Abu Ghraib’s [sic] Lyndie England
- He made me eat a banana in front of the 1998 Yankees team
- In a letter shaped as a heart, Steinbrenner wants me to replace Derrick Jeter as shortstop when I come home
- Steinbrenner wants me to be his Fabio and eat “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” without a knife in front of him
- He told me he wants us both to become Roman Catholics and live on waterfront property in Clearwater Beach to watch the sunset together in a bathtub taking Cialis
- He will pay for my federal appeal, in return I have to catwalk and Chippendales dance in the Yankees locker room before each game

I’ll keep you updated.

Child prostitute, 1871. Inscription on the back: Mary Simpson a common prostitute age 10 or 11 year. She has been known as Mrs. Berry for at least two years. She is four month with child.

[Anonymous photographer. Silverprint 8 1/2" x 6", via Wikipedia.]

During Charles Manson’s trial in 1970, prosecutor Vincent Bugliosi questioned 20-year-old Manson Family member (and murderer) Paul “Tex” Watson. I’ve edited this down a tad, but don’t worry, I left all the freaky stuff.

HELTER SKELTER

Bugliosi: “During your association with Charles Manson, did he frequently discuss Helter Skelter with you?”

Watson: “Constantly.”

HOW HELTER SKELTER BEGINS

Watson: “There would be some atrocious murders; that some of the spades from Watts would come up into the Bel-Air and Beverly Hills district and just really wipe some people out, just cut bodies up and smear blood and write things on the wall in blood, and cut little boys up and make parents watch…

“[Then] all the other white people would be afraid that this would happen to them, so out of their fear they would go into the ghetto and just start shooting black people like crazy. But all they would shoot would be the garbage man and Uncle Toms, and all the ones that were with Whitey in the first place. And underneath it all, the Black Muslims would know that [Helter Skelter] was coming down.

“So, after Whitey goes in the ghettoes and shoots all the Uncle Toms, then the Black Muslims come out and appeal to the people by saying, ‘Look what you have done to my people.’ And this would split Whitey down the middle, between all the hippies and the liberals and all the up-tight piggies. A big civil war would start and really split them up in all these different factions. And after they killed each other off, then there would be a few [white people] left who supposedly won. Then the Black Muslims would come out of hiding and wipe them all out.”

Bugliosi: “Wipe the white people out?”

Watson: “Yes. By sneaking around and slitting their throats.”

THE UNDERGROUND CITY

Bugliosi: “Did Charlie say anything about where he and the Family would be during this Helter Skelter?”

Watson: “Yes… Charlie used to walk around in the desert and say — You see, there are places where water would come up to the top of the ground and then it would go down and there wouldn’t be no more water, and then it would come up again and go down again. He would look at that and say, ‘There has got to be a hole somewhere, somewhere here, a big old lake.’

“And it just really got far out, that there was a hole underneath there somewhere where you could drive a speedboat across it, a big underground city. Then we started from the ‘Revolution 9′ song on the Beatles album which was interpreted by Charlie to mean the Revelation 9. So-”

Bugliosi: “The last book of the New Testament?”

Watson: “Just the book of Revelation and the song would be ‘Revelations 9′. So …in Revelations 9, it talks of the bottomless pit. Then later on, I believe it is in 10…”

Bugliosi: “Revelation 10?”

Watson: “Yes. It talks about there will be a city where there will be no sun and there will be no moon.”

Bugliosi: “Manson spoke about this?”

Watson: “Yes, many times. That there would be a city of gold, but there would be no life, and there would be a tree there that bears twelve different kinds of fruit that changed every month. And this was interpreted to mean — this was the hole down under Death Valley.”

Bugliosi: “Did he talk about the twelve tribes of Israel?”

Watson: “Yes. That was in there, too. It was supposed to get back to the 144,000 people. The Family was to grow to this number.”

Bugliosi: “The twelve tribes of Israel being 144,000 people?”

Watson: “Yes.”

Bugliosi: “And Manson said that the Family would eventually increase to 144,000 people?”

Watson: “Yes.”

Bugliosi: “Did he say when this would take place?”

Watson: “Oh, yes. See, it was all happening simultaneously. In other words, as we are making the music and it is drawing all the young love to the desert, the Family increases in ranks, and at the same time this sets off Helter Skelter. So then the Family finds the hole in the meantime and gets down in the hole and lives there until the whole thing [Helter Skelter] comes down.”

HOW HELTER SKELTER ENDS

Bugliosi: “Did he say who would win this Helter Skelter?”

Watson: “The karma would have completely reversed, meaning that the black men would be on top and the white race would be wiped out; there would be none except for the Family.”

Bugliosi: “Did he say what the black man would do once he was all by himself?”

Watson: “Well, according to Charlie, he would clean up the mess, just like he always has done. He is supposed to be the servant, see. He will clean up the mess that he made, that the white man made, and build the world back up a little bit, build the cities back up, but then he wouldn’t know what to do with it, he couldn’t handle it.”

Bugliosi: “Blackie couldn’t handle it?”

Watson: “Yes, and this is when the Family would come out of the hole, and being that he would have completed the white man’s karma, then he would no longer have this vicious want to kill.”

Bugliosi: “When you say ‘he,’ you mean Blackie?”

Watson: “Blackie then would come to Charlie and say, you know, ‘I did my thing, I killed them all and, you know, I am tired of killing now. It is all over.’ And Charlie would scratch his fuzzy head and kick him in the butt and tell him to go pick the cotton and go be a good nigger, and he would live happily ever after.”

And another thing: Why don’t cops wear ties anymore? Those were the days… men dressed respectable-like, and kept those uppity dames in line.

Scott Peterson’s conviction for the murder of his wife Laci can be used as evidence that he murdered his wife Laci, says Fresno’s Fifth District Court of Appeals. California law prohibits murderers from collecting the life insurance of their victims, but Scotty’s attorneys argued that since his conviction is on appeal, it shouldn’t affect his eligibility. The judges called shenanigans and upheld a lower court’s ruling that the $250,000 in life insurance proceeds should go to Laci’s mom.

The court also pointed out that Scott’s attorneys didn’t offer a shred of evidence indicating Scott is innocent and thus qualified to receive the money. Incidentally, I recall that awhile back Scott’s mom offered $250,000 to anyone who could exonerate her angel. Moms are so resourceful. I bet she knows lots of ways to use vinegar for household chores, too.