Edwin Ramos is charged with murdering a father and two sons on a San Francisco street last month.  It appears that Mr. Ramos, now 21, “benefited from the city’s long-standing practice of shielding illegal immigrant juveniles who committed felonies from possible deportation.”

San Francisco Chronicle

R.I.P. Court TV

It’s gone forever. Let’s observe a moment of silence in remembrance of Court TV. … Okay, I think that’s long enough.

Ah, memories! We had some good times together, didn’t we? I first got to know the niche cable network during the O.J. Simpson trial, and our relationship grew as we traversed the rocky terrain of the U.S. criminal justice system. Arm in arm, we blithely explored every corner of Neverland Ranch, momentarily pausing to pet a friendly passing giraffe. Court TV bravely continued to discuss the plight of Mary Kay Letourneau ad nauseum in the face of complete audience disinterest, and willingly provided a grateful Scott Peterson with countless hours of face time.

But then things took a turn for the worse. Following in the footsteps of MTV, Court TV moved progressively further from its original focus and sunk into the formless abyss of dramatic bumper music and crappy reality shows. Court TV is now TRU, a new reality show network. It’s your #1 source for 24-hour all-abyss programming.

Whether you love CBS crime drama Criminal Minds, or you hate it, or you occasionally tolerate its contrived storyline because you’re too cheap to pay for cable and fear that turning off the television may provoke independent thought underscoring the hollow emptiness of your existence, you’ll be charmed by Mandy Patinkin’s stellar vocal performance on his latest album, Criminal Minds Greatest Hits.

Sprint commercial featuring an anti-crime cell phone.  And no, Sprint didn’t pay to be featured on my website, but I’m hoping they’ll offer to pay me to not feature them.  The ball’s in your court, Sprint.

It’s true.. Tigger has been accused of assault. We’d expect this kind of behavior from Eeyore, maybe even Rabbit. But Tigger? A home movie shot by the victim’s devoted and litigious father shows a child… well, not so much a child, more a teenage boy… being hit or possibly pawed while posing for a picture at Disney World.

Unfortunately, the victim may be in more danger than ever now that his friends have seen pictures of Tigger kicking his pansy ass. Of course, compounding the threat is the elevated risk of Pooh Family reprisals.

The Fox Network has long been known for its unwaivering commitment to producing quality original programs like When Animals Attack and Temptation Island (both of which, if I recall correctly, taught us to believe again). That strong moral compass is undoubtedly why Rupert Murdock and Co. chose to cancel O.J. Simpson’s book and accompanying television interview entitled “If I Did It,” a hypothetical confession to the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. Just to clear up any misconceptions, the cancellation had nothing (NOTHING!) to do with public outrage, sponsor withdrawal, ratings, profit loss, or the fact that anyone who saw the trial already knows how he did it.

On a side note… While searching for news articles on the O.J. Simpson book, I came across this bizarre Google ad:

If I did it?
If you did it enough, you’d need
BabySakes, the baby book superstore
www.Baby-Memory-Books.com

(…I’d say something witty, but I don’t want to spoil the moment.)

Muslims around the globe are outraged that the Pope publically quoted a 14th-century Christian Byzantine emperor who said “Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached.”

As I sit on my couch watching Good Morning America, Diane Sawyer is questioning a Newsweek reporter about how the Pope could have said what he did. Not only did he say Islam was violent, chide our television friends, the Pope also failed to mention how crusaders in the early middle ages waged war to reclaim “holy lands” in the name of Christianity. That mean old pope.

Good Morning America didn’t mention the militant muslim repsonse. Furious over the Pope’s unfair accusation that Islam is linked to violence, Muslims are trying to set the record straight. For example, one extremist Sunni group stated the Pope is “doomed” for mischaracterizing the Religion of Peace. After conquering the West, they plan to “break up the cross, spill the liquor and impose head tax, then the only thing acceptable is a conversion (to Islam) or (killed by) the sword.”

If only the Pope could be more like Diane Sawyer, and celebrate (non-Christian) religious tolerance and diversity. Just because someone wants to kill you and everyone you know doesn’t necessarily make them “violent.” Man I hate that pissy old Pope.

Actor Daniel Baldwin detained by police
Wait… there’s a Daniel Baldwin? How many crappy actors can one woman birth?

Man convicted of keeping dead mother in freezer to collect Social Security avoids prison
Okay, I know ignorance of the law is no excuse, but who would have guessed it’s illegal to freeze mom’s corpse for purposes of defrauding the federal government? Keep your laws off my mom’s body.

Dog-cooking, tree-taking school-burner may lose job
BEIJING (Reuters) - “A Chinese headmaster, who tried to buy off colleagues by cooking dog meat for them after secretly selling off trees around the school, ended up setting fire to classrooms when the meal burst into flames, a Chinese newspaper said Friday.” Well, that’s communism for you.

Cop censured for moonlighting as a hooker
Now, I know ignorance of the law is no excuse, but…. oh never mind.

Thanks to the CSI craze, yesterday’s media was all a-flutter about the “crime scene students” who found a real dead body. Of course, it’s much, much less interesting than that. A Ford Lauderdale teacher, attempting to exploit the inexplicable popularity of network television, sent a bunch of pimpley, squeaky-voiced high schoolers to investigate a fake crime scene set up in the park. During their adventures, the kids stumbled onto the body of an unfortunate homeless man whose claim to fame is that he was found by high schoolers studying a flavor-of-the-week subject glamorized by T.V. shows featuring beautiful actors lifting fingerprints from stylish martini glasses, collecting semen samples from casino orgies, and eviscerating murdered bikini models.

(This moving obituary has been brought to you by Cultural Elitism. Don’t leave home without it.)

In his new candid camera-style television comedy special, Juiced, killer and author O.J. Simpson goes to a car lot to sell the famous white Bronco he used to evade police. In his staged sales pitch, O.J. tells the prospective buyer that he made the Bronco famous. “It was good for me,” he says. “It helped me get away.”

But before you judge him too harshly, keep in mind that O.J. has been tireless in his effort to find the real murderer(s) of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, scouring dozens of private golf courses for clues. Working on a hunch, O.J. has put together a list of other venues in which he believes murderous drug dealers are likely to hide including amusement parks, country clubs, yachts, and four-star restaurants.