Found this little gem in a vintage true crime magazine (circa oldentimes):
Archive for the ‘Crime news’ Category
Crime scene reconstruction: The very early years
Wednesday, May 28th, 2008Mission accomplished
Tuesday, May 27th, 2008A 23-year-old journalist and college student has been sentenced to death by an Afghan court for publicly questioning the sexist practices of Islam. According to court records, Sayed Perwiz Kambakhsh posed blasphemous questions in class and distributed an article in the same vein, to which the sick bastard added two — or possibly THREE — paragraphs elaborating his own concerns about Muslim oppression of women.
Since his sentence in January, an international outcry has persuaded the judge to allow Kambakhsh to appeal his conviction. Seems fair seeing as he had no legal representation at his trial.. but it’s been understandably difficult digging up a lawyer with the cojones to represent this kid.
So far the appeal has consisted of a pro se statement in which Kambakhsh argued that pursuit of truth is man’s highest calling, and thoughtful debate is the best method for illuminating reality. Is Islam so delicate that it must be protected from scrutiny? If our aim is truth (rather than bolstering traditional paradigms at the cost of reason), then we should have no qualms about careful examination of ideas and beliefs. Light doesn’t make truth different, it merely makes it visible.
Or at least I’m pretty sure that’s what he meant to say. But, perhaps after passing the gallows on his way into court, his appeal actually went a little more like this:
[Kambakhsh] rejected accusations from some of his classmates and teachers, that he had insulted Islam and the Koran and had distributed an article which said Prophet Mohammad had ignored the rights of women. “As a Muslim … I never allow myself to do such a thing. These are totally lies,” he told the court.
This comic brought to you by the Consortium for Condescending Paternalism
Friday, May 23rd, 2008
Is there anything less preventable than teen suicide?
Wednesday, May 21st, 2008If there is, I don’t wanna know about it.
Megan Meier: In 2006, when she was 13 years old, Megan hung herself in her bedroom closet after receiving a cruel message from her Myspace crush. Her dad later saw it on the screen.. 16-year-old Josh Evans had told Megan the world would be a better place without her. Ouch, baby.
Lori Drew: Megan’s ex-friend’s 48-year-old mom. She heard Megan was saying nasty stuff about her kid, so she invented “Josh Evans” and created a profile for him on Myspace. The plan was to gain Megan’s trust and “find out what she thought about [Lori's daughter] and about other people,” per the police report. Right now she’s neck-and-neck with Britney Spears for Mother of the Year.
Ashley Grills: A 19-year-old temp employed by Lori Drew. She appeared on Good Morning America to defend herself against Lori’s assertion that the shenanigans were all her idea. Per Ashley, Lori was the instigator, even suggesting they could set up a meeting between Josh and Megan at the mall, then show up to laugh at her.
What happened: Megan’s parents found her in her closet, the message from “Josh” still on her computer screen. They had no inkling Josh wasn’t real until six weeks after Megan’s death. The Meiers and Drews lived in the same neighborhood, and eventually word leaked. The Drews became pariahs (my mom says that’s different than piranhas but sometimes I get them mixed up since both are things you don’t want to be around) and a target of self-righteous vandals.
Against the advice of neighbors, Lori and her husband 
Curt went to the Meiers’ house to “explain” and when they weren’t let in, started banging on the doors. On Thanksgiving. Click the report if you have weak eyes. (It’s okay, nobody’s recording your IP address and selling information indicating corneal defects to your health insurance provider at a tidy profit.)
Local law enforcement didn’t press charges for the Myspace incident because they felt that technically, no crime had been committed. But federal authorities became involved and, in unprecedented precedent, Lori Drew is now facing prosecution for violating Myspace terms of service by creating a false account.
Rob McKenna sez: “The Bill of Rights is part of this complete breakfast!”
Watch out America. The feds are coming after you for that Facebook account you made for the pair of mules in the muddy corral off 228th St in Canyon Park. It’s all fun and games until somebody gets indicted.
[Note: To be fair, you could have made a separate account for each mule; combining them is indicative of your maturity and restraint.]
Guns for Africa
Thursday, March 13th, 2008Though Kenyan marathon runner Wesly Ngetich was able to earn some money from his success as a runner, he told his agent that he only had 150 cows and would need at least 1000 to be considered a big man in his village. In January his life and career were cut short when he was killed by an arrow from a neighboring tribe out to avenge a murder allegedly committed by someone in Ngetich’s tribe.
For generations, Africa has experienced turmoil and violence aggravated by political corruption, tribal rivalries, Western imperialism and endemic poverty. Seeing as the United States has given $650 billion in aid since 1960, and additional moolah flows in piecemeal from other charitable countries (and France), I guess I’d expect to see better results. I want to see Africans celebrated for economic ingenuity, technological advancement, agricultural productivity… you know, something besides running really fast.
But whatever. The point is, when I read that a marathon-running Kenyan who measures wealth in heads of cattle was killed by a member of a rival tribe with a handmade bow and arrow, I can’t help but wonder whether we’re hauling our leaky sacks of bullion down a road paved with good intentions.
Perhaps in lieu of financial aid we should instead provide the continent with more humane murder weapons, like guns. What’s that you say? We already have? Oh. Well I guess it just goes to show you, you can lead a horse to the mall, but you can’t make it accessorize.
It’s TRU
Friday, February 8th, 2008R.I.P. Court TV
It’s gone forever. Let’s observe a moment of silence in remembrance of Court TV. … Okay, I think that’s long enough.
Ah, memories! We had some good times together, didn’t we? I first got to know the niche cable network during the O.J. Simpson trial, and our relationship grew as we traversed the rocky terrain of the U.S. criminal justice system. Arm in arm, we blithely explored every corner of Neverland Ranch, momentarily pausing to pet a friendly passing giraffe. Court TV bravely continued to discuss the plight of Mary Kay Letourneau ad nauseum in the face of complete audience disinterest, and willingly provided a grateful Scott Peterson with countless hours of face time.
But then things took a turn for the worse. Following in the footsteps of MTV, Court TV moved progressively further from its original focus and sunk into the formless abyss of dramatic bumper music and crappy reality shows. Court TV is now TRU, a new reality show network. It’s your #1 source for 24-hour all-abyss programming.
Say it ain’t so
Thursday, January 10th, 2008UNITED NATIONS (Reuters) – A U.N. internal investigative unit has found an unexpected amount of fraud and abuse at the United Nations and is currently investigating 250 cases, including alleged sexual and financial offenses. “Our caseload has been very steady over the last three months, around 250 cases,” Inga-Britt Ahlenius, head of the U.N. Office of Internal Oversight Services (OIOS), told reporters. “We found mismanagement and fraud and corruption to an extent we didn’t really expect.”
Ahlenius went on to state that until very recently, she believed OJ was innocent and Paris Hilton’s nose was real.
No need to gild the lily…
Sunday, December 30th, 2007…these stories speak for themselves.
Knoxville, TN – December 30, 2007: A Hooter’s patron upset over his bar tab shot and killed a female customer walking out of the restaurant at around 1am. “These things don’t happen at Hooter’s,” said area Hooter’s president Shannon Herlihy. Police are still searching for the suspect, described as a “white male who was missing his front teeth and was wearing jeans and a black jacket decorated in rhinestones.”
Tokyo, Japan - A government survey of former prison inmates in Japan found that many felt their prison-issued, vertically striped grayish pajamas were unfashionable. About half disliked the color, and 44 percent agreed the design was ugly.
Bangkok, Thailand - Thai police officers who litter, arrive late, park in a prohibited area, or commit other selected misdemeanors will be forced to wear an armband featuring Hello Kitty sitting atop two hearts and stay at the police station all day. “Simple warnings no longer work. This new twist is expected to make them feel guilt and shame and prevent them from repeating the offense, no matter how minor,” said Police Col. Pongpat Chayaphan, acting chief of the Crime Suppression Division in Bangkok, an international hub of human trafficking and child prostitution.
New Fox special: “When Aliens Get Drunk”
Tuesday, November 27th, 2007
Holland, June 2007 Filled with the heady exuberance of youth (and cocaine), a young Hollandite decided to take daddy’s car for a spin. Four cop cars were damaged as police tried to keep him off the main roads. Finally he crashed into a ditch, but not before destroying some poor farmer’s corn field. Yet another example of why kids shouldn’t be allowed to do blow without parental supervision.
Barry Bonds bench-pressed victim against his will
Sunday, November 25th, 2007
Amidst the flurry of media coverage following allegations that noted baseball guy Barry Bonds used steroids and committed perjury, an August lawsuit against Bonds has been almost completely ignored. South Carolina prisoner Jonathan Lee Riches, currently serving ten years for fraud, accused Barry Bonds of numerous crimes including terrorism, moonshining and bat assault. Riches recounted a horrifying instance in which Barry Bonds bench-pressed him against his will, “to show off in front of his ballpark buddies.” Mr. Riches also witnessed Bonds “selling steroids to nuns.”
Jonathan Lee Riches has filed lawsuits involving a variety of high-profile sports figures. In September 2007 his formal complaint stated that the New England Patriots’ Bill Belichick, Tom Brady and Randy Moss had:
…illegally taped my prison phone calls to my family, then sold the tapes to CNN producer Andy Segal who illegally aired my copyrighted voice on ‘CNN Presents: How to Rob a Bank.’ I experienced a invasion of privacy from Defendants’ actions, my heart is broke forever.
In an October 2007 lawsuit, Riches accused George Steinbrenner of several misdeeds including “verbal sodomy”. In addition to his request for a temporary restraining order against Steinbrenner and $100 million in damages, Riches also demanded the return of his whips, chains, shaving cream, lotions and boxers. Other charges:
- Steinbrenner sent me pictures with a leash around his neck being dragged by Abu Ghraib’s [sic] Lyndie England
- He made me eat a banana in front of the 1998 Yankees team
- In a letter shaped as a heart, Steinbrenner wants me to replace Derrick Jeter as shortstop when I come home
- Steinbrenner wants me to be his Fabio and eat “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” without a knife in front of him
- He told me he wants us both to become Roman Catholics and live on waterfront property in Clearwater Beach to watch the sunset together in a bathtub taking Cialis
- He will pay for my federal appeal, in return I have to catwalk and Chippendales dance in the Yankees locker room before each game
I’ll keep you updated.