Archive for the ‘Crime news’ Category

Scott Peterson’s attorneys: “We gots to get paid.”

Thursday, November 1st, 2007

Scott Peterson’s conviction for the murder of his wife Laci can be used as evidence that he murdered his wife Laci, says Fresno’s Fifth District Court of Appeals. California law prohibits murderers from collecting the life insurance of their victims, but Scotty’s attorneys argued that since his conviction is on appeal, it shouldn’t affect his eligibility. The judges called shenanigans and upheld a lower court’s ruling that the $250,000 in life insurance proceeds should go to Laci’s mom.

The court also pointed out that Scott’s attorneys didn’t offer a shred of evidence indicating Scott is innocent and thus qualified to receive the money. Incidentally, I recall that awhile back Scott’s mom offered $250,000 to anyone who could exonerate her angel. Moms are so resourceful. I bet she knows lots of ways to use vinegar for household chores, too.

Death for man who threw little girl to alligators

Monday, October 22nd, 2007

Quatisha MaycockEarlier this month, Harrel Braddy was finally sentenced to death for the 1998 kidnapping of Shandelle Maycock and her 5-year-old daughter Quatisha. He drove them to a sugarcane field where he strangled Shandelle until he thought she was dead. He then drove little Quatisha to an area of the Everglades known as Alligator Alley, threw her in the water, and left her to be eaten alive.

Harrel Franklin BraddyIn court, Braddy was wearing an electric shock device and knee brace and was surrounded by “extra police officers, all measures taken after Braddy escaped from the courthouse in 1984 when he choked a Miami-Dade County corrections officer.”

“During two other escapes that year, Braddy kidnapped and robbed an assistant pastor and an elderly couple. At one point Braddy was on the run for more than a month before authorities found him in Georgia.”

So yeah, it’s a good thing Miami-Dade County is so cautious with this obviously dangerous, violent criminal. Unfortunately, it seems they neglected to use the knee brace, electronic shock device and extra police when they released him from prison in 1997 for “good behavior” — after serving less than half of a 30-year sentence for a variety of charges, including two counts of attempted murder.

“After he was arrested for kidnapping the Maycocks, he tried to escape from the interrogation room by bending an air conditioning grate.”

God bless America

Thursday, October 18th, 2007

Chet Stiles, 27, appeared in a Las Vegas courtroom yesterday to confirm he’s broke and needs a court-appointed attorney to defend him against charges he sexually assaulted a 3-year-old girl. Oh, and filmed it. But in time-honored American tradition, a man who raped a toddler on videotape will still cost taxpayers millions of dollars with a “not guilty” plea. You might argue that these millions would be better spent on sex offender treatment, or restitution for his victim, or food for starving children. You fascist.

Remember fellow countrypersons, ’tis better ten videotaped child rapists go free than one defense attorney piss himself in a fit of constitutionally protected rage.

107 negroes, 26 whites, 1 Indian and 1 Chinaman

Saturday, September 29th, 2007

Lynching statistics from 1901I found this article in a scanned vintage newspaper, it was part of a syndicated feature called “Chronology of the Year”, a veritable orgy of death statistics published in the U.S. at the end of 1901. It seems there were 131 recorded lynchings in the United States that year. We can be confident in the accuracy of that number, I surmise, because lynchings were so carefully documented by unbiased journalists and local law enforcement officials. It certainly puts one’s mind at ease to learn that only nine of the year’s 131 lynchings were motivated by racial prejudice. The remaining 122 executions were justified with various reasons including a lynching for forcing a white boy to commit a crime. “I swear, ma! The negro made me do it!”

The Madcap Adventures of O.J. “O.J.” Simpson

Tuesday, September 18th, 2007

O.J. arrested... again.His wife murdered. His children motherless. O.J. Simpson’s family, his money, his career, his life… gone, in an instant.

Though officially exonerated by a jury of his peers, he was still convicted in the court of public opinion. Even the police were convinced of his guilt… if he wanted justice, he’d have to take the law into his own hands, arranging a covert sting operation with the help of his faithful few. With nothing left to lose, he decided to bet it all and let it ride… in Las Vegas.

The man who had wronged him was lured to Vegas with the promise of a quick profit, but O.J.’s cunninger witfulness outsleighted the greedy criminal, leaving him cornered in a Vegas hotel room. Surrounded by his posse of morally outraged, armed vigilantes, O.J. stared into the eyes of his archenemy. “It’s you… you’re him,” he growled, years of anger and frustration bubbling to the surface. “You’re the guy who took my football stuff.”

August crime news roundup

Thursday, August 30th, 2007

Reidsville, NC: Seven-year-old Alisha was behind the front counter with her mom, a convenience store clerk, when an armed robber walked in demanding money and cigarettes. Alisha angrily yelled at him to “back off” and chased him out of the store while “mommy called the po-po.” As for his punishment, “He should be locked up by his gills and towed to the police.”

Seattle, WA: A man singing Coldplay’s “Yellow” at a Seattle karaoke bar was violently attacked by an enraged 21-year-old girl. “Oh, no, not that song. I can’t stand that song!” she screamed, and lunged at the singer. It took several people to pull her off of him.  I don’t blame the girl, though.. the victim’s blood is on Chris Martin’s immaculately groomed head.

Rochelle, GA: Juanita Jones, 53, called police to “help her get her money back” after discovering she’d unwittingly paid full price for substandard crack. Oh, those crazy crackheads and their madcap shenanigans!!

Man convicted after dropping girlfriend to her death

Monday, January 15th, 2007

Kevin Eckenrode, 26, has been convicted of involuntary manslaughter in Pennsylvania for causing the death of his girlfriend, 23-year-old Rachel Kozlusky, whom he dropped out a high-rise window after a night of drinking. You know how it is, guys… you and your best girl are spending the evening together, knocking back a few stiff drinks… Highballs, Hot Toddies, Singapore Slings.. whatever it is the kids are drinking these days. As the two of you embark on your fifth consecutive cocktail hour, you find yourself playfully dangling the love of your life by her wrists out the window of your 23rd floor apartment.

Though the manslaughter was involuntary, the alcohol consumption was not. True, drinking can help you forget your troubles, but it can also cause you to forget basic laws of physics when you need them most.

The moral of the story is, never drink more than four feet off the ground unless you’re tethered to something.

If eating my cellmate is wrong, I don’t want to be right

Tuesday, January 9th, 2007

A Paris prisoner confessed to murder last Wednesday after his cellmate was found dead with a substantial chest wound. The prisoner boasted he ate his victim’s heart, but it appears he just ate some of the surrounding muscle and tissue. Parisians and cannibals were outraged and demanded the prisoner be charged and prosecuted for giving a false statement to police.

Will your child be Tigger’s next victim?

Monday, January 8th, 2007

It’s true.. Tigger has been accused of assault. We’d expect this kind of behavior from Eeyore, maybe even Rabbit. But Tigger? A home movie shot by the victim’s devoted and litigious father shows a child… well, not so much a child, more a teenage boy… being hit or possibly pawed while posing for a picture at Disney World.

Unfortunately, the victim may be in more danger than ever now that his friends have seen pictures of Tigger kicking his pansy ass. Of course, compounding the threat is the elevated risk of Pooh Family reprisals.

Delhi serial murders

Saturday, January 6th, 2007

News: India fires 6 policemen over deaths of children, women

In a country long known for its outstanding commitment to social equality, citizens were outraged after learning local police essentially ignored reports that poor women and children have been disappearing from a wealthy suburb of Delhi over the past two years.

One migrant worker told reporters that when she asked police to investigate the disappearance of her 20-year-old daughter, they laughed, saying “Why do you people have so many children if you can’t look after them?” Of course, this was before they found the dismembered remains of at least 17 women and children in the sewer behind a businessman’s residence. He was arrested, along with his faithful manservant accomplice who reportedly performed domestic chores, including light kidnapping and body disposal.

After the first wave of nausea and abject horror, I was left wondering.. since when is killing women illegal in India? I kid, I kid! Seriously though, you guys are great.