R.I.P. Court TV

It’s gone forever. Let’s observe a moment of silence in remembrance of Court TV. … Okay, I think that’s long enough.

Ah, memories! We had some good times together, didn’t we? I first got to know the niche cable network during the O.J. Simpson trial, and our relationship grew as we traversed the rocky terrain of the U.S. criminal justice system. Arm in arm, we blithely explored every corner of Neverland Ranch, momentarily pausing to pet a friendly passing giraffe. Court TV bravely continued to discuss the plight of Mary Kay Letourneau ad nauseum in the face of complete audience disinterest, and willingly provided a grateful Scott Peterson with countless hours of face time.

But then things took a turn for the worse. Following in the footsteps of MTV, Court TV moved progressively further from its original focus and sunk into the formless abyss of dramatic bumper music and crappy reality shows. Court TV is now TRU, a new reality show network. It’s your #1 source for 24-hour all-abyss programming.

Amidst the flurry of media coverage following allegations that noted baseball guy Barry Bonds used steroids and committed perjury, an August lawsuit against Bonds has been almost completely ignored. South Carolina prisoner Jonathan Lee Riches, currently serving ten years for fraud, accused Barry Bonds of numerous crimes including terrorism, moonshining and bat assault. Riches recounted a horrifying instance in which Barry Bonds bench-pressed him against his will, “to show off in front of his ballpark buddies.” Mr. Riches also witnessed Bonds “selling steroids to nuns.”

Jonathan Lee Riches has filed lawsuits involving a variety of high-profile sports figures. In September 2007 his formal complaint stated that the New England Patriots’ Bill Belichick, Tom Brady and Randy Moss had:

…illegally taped my prison phone calls to my family, then sold the tapes to CNN producer Andy Segal who illegally aired my copyrighted voice on ‘CNN Presents: How to Rob a Bank.’ I experienced a invasion of privacy from Defendants’ actions, my heart is broke forever.

In an October 2007 lawsuit, Riches accused George Steinbrenner of several misdeeds including “verbal sodomy”. In addition to his request for a temporary restraining order against Steinbrenner and $100 million in damages, Riches also demanded the return of his whips, chains, shaving cream, lotions and boxers. Other charges:

- Steinbrenner sent me pictures with a leash around his neck being dragged by Abu Ghraib’s [sic] Lyndie England
- He made me eat a banana in front of the 1998 Yankees team
- In a letter shaped as a heart, Steinbrenner wants me to replace Derrick Jeter as shortstop when I come home
- Steinbrenner wants me to be his Fabio and eat “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” without a knife in front of him
- He told me he wants us both to become Roman Catholics and live on waterfront property in Clearwater Beach to watch the sunset together in a bathtub taking Cialis
- He will pay for my federal appeal, in return I have to catwalk and Chippendales dance in the Yankees locker room before each game

I’ll keep you updated.

During Charles Manson’s trial in 1970, prosecutor Vincent Bugliosi questioned 20-year-old Manson Family member (and murderer) Paul “Tex” Watson. I’ve edited this down a tad, but don’t worry, I left all the freaky stuff.

HELTER SKELTER

Bugliosi: “During your association with Charles Manson, did he frequently discuss Helter Skelter with you?”

Watson: “Constantly.”

HOW HELTER SKELTER BEGINS

Watson: “There would be some atrocious murders; that some of the spades from Watts would come up into the Bel-Air and Beverly Hills district and just really wipe some people out, just cut bodies up and smear blood and write things on the wall in blood, and cut little boys up and make parents watch…

“[Then] all the other white people would be afraid that this would happen to them, so out of their fear they would go into the ghetto and just start shooting black people like crazy. But all they would shoot would be the garbage man and Uncle Toms, and all the ones that were with Whitey in the first place. And underneath it all, the Black Muslims would know that [Helter Skelter] was coming down.

“So, after Whitey goes in the ghettoes and shoots all the Uncle Toms, then the Black Muslims come out and appeal to the people by saying, ‘Look what you have done to my people.’ And this would split Whitey down the middle, between all the hippies and the liberals and all the up-tight piggies. A big civil war would start and really split them up in all these different factions. And after they killed each other off, then there would be a few [white people] left who supposedly won. Then the Black Muslims would come out of hiding and wipe them all out.”

Bugliosi: “Wipe the white people out?”

Watson: “Yes. By sneaking around and slitting their throats.”

THE UNDERGROUND CITY

Bugliosi: “Did Charlie say anything about where he and the Family would be during this Helter Skelter?”

Watson: “Yes… Charlie used to walk around in the desert and say — You see, there are places where water would come up to the top of the ground and then it would go down and there wouldn’t be no more water, and then it would come up again and go down again. He would look at that and say, ‘There has got to be a hole somewhere, somewhere here, a big old lake.’

“And it just really got far out, that there was a hole underneath there somewhere where you could drive a speedboat across it, a big underground city. Then we started from the ‘Revolution 9′ song on the Beatles album which was interpreted by Charlie to mean the Revelation 9. So-”

Bugliosi: “The last book of the New Testament?”

Watson: “Just the book of Revelation and the song would be ‘Revelations 9′. So …in Revelations 9, it talks of the bottomless pit. Then later on, I believe it is in 10…”

Bugliosi: “Revelation 10?”

Watson: “Yes. It talks about there will be a city where there will be no sun and there will be no moon.”

Bugliosi: “Manson spoke about this?”

Watson: “Yes, many times. That there would be a city of gold, but there would be no life, and there would be a tree there that bears twelve different kinds of fruit that changed every month. And this was interpreted to mean — this was the hole down under Death Valley.”

Bugliosi: “Did he talk about the twelve tribes of Israel?”

Watson: “Yes. That was in there, too. It was supposed to get back to the 144,000 people. The Family was to grow to this number.”

Bugliosi: “The twelve tribes of Israel being 144,000 people?”

Watson: “Yes.”

Bugliosi: “And Manson said that the Family would eventually increase to 144,000 people?”

Watson: “Yes.”

Bugliosi: “Did he say when this would take place?”

Watson: “Oh, yes. See, it was all happening simultaneously. In other words, as we are making the music and it is drawing all the young love to the desert, the Family increases in ranks, and at the same time this sets off Helter Skelter. So then the Family finds the hole in the meantime and gets down in the hole and lives there until the whole thing [Helter Skelter] comes down.”

HOW HELTER SKELTER ENDS

Bugliosi: “Did he say who would win this Helter Skelter?”

Watson: “The karma would have completely reversed, meaning that the black men would be on top and the white race would be wiped out; there would be none except for the Family.”

Bugliosi: “Did he say what the black man would do once he was all by himself?”

Watson: “Well, according to Charlie, he would clean up the mess, just like he always has done. He is supposed to be the servant, see. He will clean up the mess that he made, that the white man made, and build the world back up a little bit, build the cities back up, but then he wouldn’t know what to do with it, he couldn’t handle it.”

Bugliosi: “Blackie couldn’t handle it?”

Watson: “Yes, and this is when the Family would come out of the hole, and being that he would have completed the white man’s karma, then he would no longer have this vicious want to kill.”

Bugliosi: “When you say ‘he,’ you mean Blackie?”

Watson: “Blackie then would come to Charlie and say, you know, ‘I did my thing, I killed them all and, you know, I am tired of killing now. It is all over.’ And Charlie would scratch his fuzzy head and kick him in the butt and tell him to go pick the cotton and go be a good nigger, and he would live happily ever after.”

Scott Peterson’s conviction for the murder of his wife Laci can be used as evidence that he murdered his wife Laci, says Fresno’s Fifth District Court of Appeals. California law prohibits murderers from collecting the life insurance of their victims, but Scotty’s attorneys argued that since his conviction is on appeal, it shouldn’t affect his eligibility. The judges called shenanigans and upheld a lower court’s ruling that the $250,000 in life insurance proceeds should go to Laci’s mom.

The court also pointed out that Scott’s attorneys didn’t offer a shred of evidence indicating Scott is innocent and thus qualified to receive the money. Incidentally, I recall that awhile back Scott’s mom offered $250,000 to anyone who could exonerate her angel. Moms are so resourceful. I bet she knows lots of ways to use vinegar for household chores, too.

His wife murdered. His children motherless. O.J. Simpson’s family, his money, his career, his life… gone, in an instant.

Though officially exonerated by a jury of his peers, he was still convicted in the court of public opinion. Even the police were convinced of his guilt… if he wanted justice, he’d have to take the law into his own hands, arranging a covert sting operation with the help of his faithful few. With nothing left to lose, he decided to bet it all and let it ride… in Las Vegas.

The man who had wronged him was lured to Vegas with the promise of a quick profit, but O.J.’s cunninger witfulness outsleighted the greedy criminal, leaving him cornered in a Vegas hotel room. Surrounded by his posse of morally outraged, armed vigilantes, O.J. stared into the eyes of his archenemy. “It’s you… you’re him,” he growled, years of anger and frustration bubbling to the surface. “You’re the guy who took my football stuff.”

It’s true.. Tigger has been accused of assault. We’d expect this kind of behavior from Eeyore, maybe even Rabbit. But Tigger? A home movie shot by the victim’s devoted and litigious father shows a child… well, not so much a child, more a teenage boy… being hit or possibly pawed while posing for a picture at Disney World.

Unfortunately, the victim may be in more danger than ever now that his friends have seen pictures of Tigger kicking his pansy ass. Of course, compounding the threat is the elevated risk of Pooh Family reprisals.

The Fox Network has long been known for its unwaivering commitment to producing quality original programs like When Animals Attack and Temptation Island (both of which, if I recall correctly, taught us to believe again). That strong moral compass is undoubtedly why Rupert Murdock and Co. chose to cancel O.J. Simpson’s book and accompanying television interview entitled “If I Did It,” a hypothetical confession to the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. Just to clear up any misconceptions, the cancellation had nothing (NOTHING!) to do with public outrage, sponsor withdrawal, ratings, profit loss, or the fact that anyone who saw the trial already knows how he did it.

On a side note… While searching for news articles on the O.J. Simpson book, I came across this bizarre Google ad:

If I did it?
If you did it enough, you’d need
BabySakes, the baby book superstore
www.Baby-Memory-Books.com

(…I’d say something witty, but I don’t want to spoil the moment.)

As post-election GOP candidates lie battered and bruised around the normally picturesque White House grounds, their mud-caked faces and bloody clothing spoiling the vacation pictures of countless tourists, there can be no doubt Mark Foley’s Online Adventures must take a share of the blame. Now famous for his nauseating, sexually charged emails to underage male White House pages, Rep. Foley gave the Democrats (or Bush, depending on your point of view) a little extra help pushing Republicans out of power. Scandal-weary voters were further angered by evidence indicating high-level Republicans were aware of Foley’s fondness for teenage boys and saturated fats, yet did little to stop the him.

And now for an IRONIC TWIST! Right smack-dab in the middle of this media circus, guess who up and croaked? That’s right, everybody’s favorite oldskool boy-lover, Democrat Rep. Gerry Studds. Back in the early 1980s, when I was hard at work making cardboard castles and pie-pan swimming pools for my My Little Ponies, it came out that Studds got drunk and dirty with a 17-year-old male page after propositioning a couple of other underage studds. Around the same time, Republican Rep. Dan Crane did the same thing, except his boink-a-thon (I’m so classy!) occured with a 17-year-old female. Both were censured by the House at the same time. Dan Crane apologized and his disgusted constituents never voted him back into office. Gerry Studds never apologized and was given a standing ovation (literally) by his constituents, who voted him back into office for several subsequent terms.

The media has relentlessly gone after Foley, and rightly so; what he did was a gross abuse of power. Studds, on the other hand, is receiving accolades from top Democrats and various progressive groups across the country. His glowing obituaries composed by even-handed, truth-hungry journalists paint a picture of a courageous, embattled warrior who fought for gay rights and local fishermen. Headline: Gerry Studds Dies at 69; First Openly Gay Congressman. I suppose Gerry Studds Dies at 69; First Openly Gay Congressman To Openly Screw An Openly Underage Male Page doesn’t have the same ring to it. But Underage and Page kind of rhyme, so I think it’s catchy.

In his new candid camera-style television comedy special, Juiced, killer and author O.J. Simpson goes to a car lot to sell the famous white Bronco he used to evade police. In his staged sales pitch, O.J. tells the prospective buyer that he made the Bronco famous. “It was good for me,” he says. “It helped me get away.”

But before you judge him too harshly, keep in mind that O.J. has been tireless in his effort to find the real murderer(s) of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, scouring dozens of private golf courses for clues. Working on a hunch, O.J. has put together a list of other venues in which he believes murderous drug dealers are likely to hide including amusement parks, country clubs, yachts, and four-star restaurants.

The stellar reputation of Patrick Kennedy’s bootlegging, Nazi-sympathizing, lobotomizing, womanizing, caviar-nibbling, girl-drowning, neighbor-bludgeoning, plane-crashing family was tarnished early Thursday morning when the congressman crashed his car near the capitol building. No one was hurt and the incident was fairly tame, considering his dad’s famous car crash left a woman dead, and his cousin’s automobile mishap left a passenger paralyzed for life.

But, boys will be boys.

[tags]Kennedy, car crash, foppish dandies[/tags]