Archive for the ‘Famous criminals’ Category

Accused rapist: It’s a Zulu thing, you wouldn’t understand.

Friday, April 21st, 2006

Former vice-president of South Africa Jacob Zuma, kicked out of office for mass corruption, is on trial for raping an HIV-positive relative. His defense? She was totally asking for it, the dirty slut.

You see, the tramp–I mean, the alleged victim–was wearing a knee-length skirt. If that’s not asking to be raped, I don’t know what is. In addition, Zuma somehow surmised she wasn’t wearing underwear, clearly an invitation for violent assault.

The prosecution has argued that Zuma would have used a condom to have consensual sex with an HIV-positive partner. The fact that he didn’t use protection makes the rape scenario more plausible.

Zuma testified that her HIV status had indeed caused him to “hesitate.” But in the end he decided that he must have sex with her because in Zulu culture, leaving a woman horny and unsatisfied is tantamount to rape. “…In Zulu culture, you don’t just leave a woman,” he told the jury. “She will have you arrested and say you are a rapist.” You just can’t win with these lying bitches, can you?

Besides, he said, he figured he could wash the HIV off in the shower.

[tags]rape, crime, zuma, south africa[/tags]

Homeland Security caught with its pants down

Thursday, April 6th, 2006

Brian Doyle, a senior public information officer for the office of Homeland Security, was unpleasantly surprised to find that his online chat partner was considerably taller and hairier than the cute little 14-year-old girl he had imagined. A detective posing as a young girl began chatting with Doyle a couple of weeks ago. Doyle sent “her” a bunch of porn movie files via AOL Instant Messenger, asked her what sex acts she would or wouldn’t do with him, and tried to impress her by revealing details about his identity and his job with Homeland Security. He even gave her the number of his state-issued cell phone.

The “girl” told Doyle to be online that evening, saying she had a new webcam. Agents knew he was at home and arrested him in the act, with the chat window still open on his screen.

Here’s an idea for Doyle’s defense attorneys: He’s not attracted to kids, it’s just that his fettish is chatting with law enforcement officials pretending to be young girls. Yeah, that’s it. See, he was just testing you. (If this defense is used, I expect to receive all appropriate royalties and residuals.)

Speaking of high-ranking pervs…
On October 16 the Tampa Tribune published a glowing fluff piece on Frank Figueroa, Tampa’s new special agent-in-charge of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement. The headline read “Agent 007 is Now On Duty in Tampa,” explaining that a big shot like Figueroa was allowed to choose his own badge number. But he didn’t choose it because of the James Bond reference, he says… he chose it because it’s almost kind of similar to his old badge number, 777.

The article goes on to say that Figueroa isn’t bothered by good-natured jabs about his short stature (he’s 5′7″). However, past co-workers admit that Figueroa was always very image-conscious. He wore pastel shirts and linen jackets during the Miami Vice era, and later moved on to wearing $1,000 suits. When fellow employees convinced him to dress less formally, he started wearing the suits with a collarless shirt and a gold chain.

Come on… you know this guy is going down. He’s a little shrimp with a big ego. You don’t even know what he did, and you already want to step on him.

Ten days after the Tampa Tribune published the article, 007 was arrested for flashing his wee-wee at a 16-year-old girl in mall food court. When mall security showed up looking for him, Figueroa, father of two young girls, quickly left the mall and ran through the parking lot. In-the-know security guards stopped him and asked why he was running, he said he was trying to find his car. When asked about the incident in the food court, Figueroa pulled out his badge and said he “didn’t do anything in the food court.”

Being the stand-up guy that he is, Figueroa denied all charges, forcing the teen girl to testify in court. She said he sat about ten feet away from her in the food court and stared at her while exposing himself and masturbating. She thought it was really hot, and slipped him her phone number, explaining to the jury that there was something about short middle-aged men who like to expose themselves to young girls that really turned her on.

Just kidding. She went and found her mom.

Local Tampa blog Sticks of Fire notes that just a couple of weeks before his arrest, Figueroa shut down a store that he said marketed drugs to kids by selling cartoon character-shaped bongs, saying “….we simply will not tolerate this kind of activity in our community.” Blogger Tommy responds, “I guess pulling your junk out in front of children is a different story.”

Today, to avoid his criminal trial that was scheduled to begin tomorrow, Frank Figueroa has plead no contest to the charges filed against him.

Tip: Ladies (or gentleman, I suppose), if someone flashes you, don’t freak out, that’s what he wants. Instead, point and laugh. Then call the police and get his partially-naked ass thrown in jail.

Exonerate Scott Peterson, get $250,000!

Tuesday, April 4th, 2006

You’re no doubt familiar with Scott Peterson (pictured at right, looking absolutely heartsick at a candlelight vigil for his missing wife), now in prison after being convicted of murdering his wife Laci and their unborn son. Despite zero evidence to the contrary, Peterson still has a few groupies convinced of his innocence. These true believers include some family members led by Scott’s self-deluded mother, as well as a motley crew of (primarily female) hangers-on. If you have information for the police that gets little Scotty out of prison, you may receive a cash prize up to and including $250,000! Of course, the money doesn’t exist, but then again, neither does the exonerating evidence.

To read all about the fabled reward, jaunt on over to www.ScottPetersonAppeal.org. Currently the family is requesting that we check our hard drives for any “real time traffic video” from the day of the crime, as well as “photos, surveillance videos or satellite photos of Modesto , the San Francisco Bay and the highways in between on December 24th, 2002.” So be sure to check your hard drive, it’s probably in your Exonerating Evidence folder.

BONUS! If your information leads to Scott’s release from prison, you’ll also receive this hilarious t-shirt, absolutely free!

[tags]scott peterson, reward, crime[/tags]

The psycho who inspired Psycho

Monday, March 13th, 2006

Bloch coverThough it might be considered a little tame by today’s limb-sawing, babysitter-gutting standards, Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho is still considered one of the best horror movies ever made. The story and characters were taken directly from a book of the same name written by renaissance man Robert Bloch, a literary genius whose broad spectrum of published works includes Psycho II, The Psychopath, Psycho House and Psycho-Paths. Bloch penned a number of classics, ranging from the devastatingly witty (Fear Today, Gone Tomorrow; Such Stuff As Screams Are Made Of) to the bone-chillingly unclear (Lost in Time and Space with Lefty Feeps; Mysteries of the Worm).

Robert Bloch based Psycho on real-life nutjob Ed Gein. No, Gein didn’t have a spooky hotel, and he didn’t stab anyone in a shower (that I know of). But he did have some mommy-issues. And some making-clothes-out-of-dead-women issues. But who doesn’t, am I right?

Eddie was born in 1906, and spent most of his life on a big ol’ farm in Plainfield, Wisconsin. His mother Augusta was an exceedingly unpleasant woman, who continually reminded Ed and his older brother Henry that all women (except her) were hellbound harlots. As adults, the boys remained on the farm and worked as handymen. Ed worshipped mommy and believed everything she told him, but Henry occasionally shocked young Ed with candid comments regarding her rampant bitchery. Henry died under “mysterious circumstances.”

Several years later, dear Augusta finally died, and I’m happy to report that her body is currently rotting in the cold ground. Ed wasn’t as enthusiastic about her death as I am, so he kept the house exactly as she had left it, a shrine to his dear mamma. He lived in the utility room and kitchen, amusing himself with books about Nazis and South Sea cannibals, as well as local newspaper obituaries. Eventually he started digging up corpses. You know, for kicks.

You see, as it turns out, Augusta’s patented brand of bizarre psychosexual abuse had a lasting effect on her remaining son. I know, I’m just as shocked as you are.

Ed GeinDespite his morbid nocturnal activities, Ed Gein decided to try his hand at something a little more domestic. An aspiring seamstress, he designed and created a lovely lady-vest and lady-mask from lady-skin. When Gus, Ed’s helpful digging partner, was hauled off to a nursing home, Ed continued his hobby by murdering two local women.

The things he did with the dead bodies (all of whom appeared to be roughly the same age and size as his mother) are really quite distasteful. In 1957, word got around that old Ed wasn’t quite right, and police raided the farmhouse. Inside, they found some pretty messed up stuff. If you want to see the grisly crime scene photos, do so at your own risk. I really don’t want them haunting up my site.

Annnnnyway, Ed Gein confessed to the two murders and lived the rest of his life in an insane asylum. (I love a happy ending!)

[tags]Ed Gein, crime, murder, Psycho[/tags]

    Junior Gotti gets mistrial, Victoria gets lipo

    Saturday, March 11th, 2006

    John GottiFor the second time in six months, John “Junior” Gotti is walking out of the courthouse a free man. A mistrial was declared when jurors couldn’t agree on whether the allegedly “reformed” Gotti should serve time for numerous mob-related crimes. After just a day and a half of deliberation, the jury told the judge they were hopelessly deadlocked and wanted to “go home ASAP.”

    Despite the second jury’s deadlock, the state of New York has vowed to hold a third trial. Could it be that jurors are somewhat reluctant to convict a violent mob boss? Gotti is accused of ordering the shooting and kidnapping of Curtis Sliwa, founder of The Guardian Angels anti-crime community program, because he besmirched their honorable family name on a radio show. But perhaps jurors aren’t afraid of Gotti at all; rather, they’ve been charmed by this devilishly handsome rogue who dares to thumb his nose at the local constabulary. *swoon*

    Gotti DietOn a side note, Junior is the brother of lovely Victoria Agnello, a.k.a. Victoria Gotti, of A&E’s Growing Up Gotti. Yes, that’s right, nobody on the show is actually named Gotti. They publicize Victoria’s maiden name to make millions off the Gotti reputation. If your family makes its fortune through theft and murder, you could be a rich, famous TV star, too! And thanks to the hardcover edition of The Gotti Diet by Frankie GOTTI (Agnello), my kitchen table with one short leg doesn’t wobble anymore. Thanks, Frankie!

    [tags]Gotti, mob, trial[/tags]

    It’s rough being a murderer

    Thursday, February 16th, 2006

    On this day in 1961, Wilbert Rideau, age 19, robbed a Louisiana bank of $14,000 and kidnapped bank manager Jay Hickman and tellers Julia Ferguson and Dora McCain. Rideau forced them into Ferguson’s car and drove to a remote area where he shot all three. Julia Ferguson had the audacity to beg for her life, so Rideau walked over to her and repeatedly stabbed her in the heart. Hickman and McCain survived.

    Killer turned victimIt’s the south in the early 1960s: Racism is rampant, segregation is widespread. A media-happy sheriff conducted his interrogation in front of television cameras, and Rideau’s video confession was played on the local news. Last year Rideau explained he only confessed because, “I had never seen a television camera before. All I saw were bright lights and shadowy figures… I thought this must be the electric chair I’d heard about. I thought they were going to execute me.” Uh huh.

    Anyhoo, after the confession, Rideau was found guilty by a southern all-white, all-male jury. It’s probable the jurors were racist, corn-fed Klanners; however, this doesn’t negate the fact that Rideau committed the crimes. The verdict was eventually overturned because the confession’s broadcast had tainted the jury pool. In the years to come, two more trials and two more guilty verdicts were overturned on the grounds of racial bias and other jury selection violations. In 2005, a fourth trial took place. The prosecution said he murdered a woman in cold blood, and should spend life in prison. Rideau argued that he killed her, but he didn’t murder her.

    A racially mixed jury was selected in Lake Charles, LA. To ensure jury nullification, Johnny “Chewbacca” Cochran was hired to lead the defense team. Cochran played up the strengths of their case:

    • In prison Wilbert Rideau had published an award-winning prison-bashing magazine, co-authored a Criminal Justice textbook, shared an Academy Award nomination for an anti-prison documentary, become a sought-after lecturer, and gained many high-profile supporters who fought for his freedom.
    • Racist officials were racist.
    • Thirteen prosecution witnesses were now dead.
    • In a major victory for the defense, the judge only allowed the jury to consider verdicts that would have been available in 1961: Premeditated murder (life without parole) or manslaughter (21 years). If they had gone by 2005 law, he would have almost certainly been sentenced to life without parole, the sentence for killing someone in the commission of a felony.
    • Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor, with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks?

    Well, Johnny straightened us out, and Rideau walked out with time served. It seems we were all turned around about who the victim was in this case. If you thought it was Julia Ferguson, the Sunday school teacher who cared for her invalid father and was stabbed as she begged for her life, you were waaaaaaaaay off.

    The victim is poor Wilbert Rideau, who stated he would have been released from prison years ago, but the man kept him locked up just because he was a black man who killed a white woman. So, he’s a victim of his victim’s race. Not only that; he was the unwitting victim of a nefarious telephone that rang and startled him during the armed robbery, forcing him to take hostages.

    Today, Rideau is a media darling happily steeping in victimhood. NPR refers to him not as a murderer or ex-con, but as an “embattled journalist.” When the taped confession was played at the 2005 trial, the Washington Post describes young Wilbert as a “skinny and frightened man, his voice barely audible.” Rideau watched his recorded confession from the defense table”with his hands folded beneath his chin, prayerlike.” The same man who left Julia Ferguson bleeding on the road, deadlike.

    “Everything I became, everything I have achieved, has been in spite of this unholy force from Lake Charles dedicated to destroying me and denying me the ability to be anything more than the criminal they wanted me to be.” ~Wilbert Rideau

    Prisoner of love

    Tuesday, February 14th, 2006

    BrideIs there anything sexier than a shackled criminal? Of course there isn’t. That’s why Scott Peterson is bombarded with love letters, Charles Manson receives scores of marriage proposals, and somewhere out there, Ted Bundy’s spawn is being raised by a woman who couldn’t resist the romantic appeal of conjugal visits with a guy who raped and murdered dozens of girls and women.

    Perhaps in a preemptive strike, Cassandre LaFortune came to court in a wedding gown and stood beside her man as he was sentenced last week. Akram “Ish” Jones, 26, will spend 10 to 20 years in prison for participating in a conspiracy to murder Terrance M. Maxie. Immediately after the sentencing, the judge officiated the wedding of Cassandre and Ish. After she finds out which correctional facility her new husband is assigned to, Cassandre says she will pack up and move to be near him.