In Durham, Oregon, yet another exhausted police department has been persuaded by a murder victim’s family to allow a psychic to aid them after they hit a dead-end in the investigation. No word yet on whether Laurie McQuery, who became psychic after a horseback riding accident, has been able to provide the police with any useful information; it is also unclear whether the horse was psychic, and died in the accident, and then passed it’s spirit on to McQuery. I can’t answer that with absolute certainty but based on my limited knowledge of clairvoyant livestock, I would have to say yes, definitely.

Remember those miners who were trapped back in January? I was listening to a radio interview with notorious psychic detective Sylvia Brown that final night when, through some tragic miscommunication, the media reported that just one miner had died and 12 had survived. The host broke the news during his interview with Sylvia, and asked her if that was the outcome she predicted. “Oh, I knew they would be found,” she happily replied. A short time later the media issued a correction: Only one miner had survived, the rest had died. The radio host asked Sylvia to explain why her psychic powers had failed. In a flash she pulled a Spandex leotard over her leathery, makeup-caked flesh and performed an impressive, if poorly executed backflip, stating that she had “said they would be found, but never said they would be found alive.”

As for the murder victim in Durham, I’m going to have to guess she’s near water, and… I see… green, plants or trees, I think. What’s that? They already found the body in a basement, and now they’re just looking for the killer? Oh. Well I think the killer is near water, by a tree.

• Read an article on the amazing, jaw-dropping, pants-pooping supernatural powers of psychic detectives, from the Skeptic’s Dictionary.

Come on girls, let’s be brutally honest. Who among us hasn’t murdered a loved one and used the life insurance payoff to get our breasts enlarged?

Cynthia Sommer, 32, was a voluptuous debutante trapped in a flat-as-a-pancake body. A Coach-sporting fashionista hindered by a pleather knockoff budget. Why didn’t she just go marry some old rich perv, like every other self-respecting gold digger?? I guess we’ll never know.

Instead, at age 30 with three kids, she married a 23-year-old Marine. Sgt. Todd Sommer complained of feeling sick in early February 2002, then collapsed ten days later. Police thought he’d died of a heart condition until a little forensic detectiveryness found that his liver contained 1,020 times the normal level of arsenic. His wife explained that his favorite breakfast cereal is Arsen-O’s.

Cynthia’s defense attorney went on about how difficult the arrest had been for her four children (three from a previous relationship). He didn’t mention how difficult it was for the children when daddy dropped dead and mommy spent the next few weeks partying at strip clubs and sleeping with other marines.

Ten days after Todd died, Cynthia scheduled her boob job. She got $250,000 from Todd’s life insurance as well as $1,871 a month from the Department of Veterans Affairs. That easily covered her $23,000 in credit card debt and her $5,000 surgery.

Her lawyer argued that she didn’t really benefit from her husband’s death, since she broke even after about a year. It seems the ability to spend $250,000 in one year is now a murder defense. But dude, I bet she’s totally foxy now, so it was way worth it.

You’re no doubt familiar with Scott Peterson (pictured at right, looking absolutely heartsick at a candlelight vigil for his missing wife), now in prison after being convicted of murdering his wife Laci and their unborn son. Despite zero evidence to the contrary, Peterson still has a few groupies convinced of his innocence. These true believers include some family members led by Scott’s self-deluded mother, as well as a motley crew of (primarily female) hangers-on. If you have information for the police that gets little Scotty out of prison, you may receive a cash prize up to and including $250,000! Of course, the money doesn’t exist, but then again, neither does the exonerating evidence.

To read all about the fabled reward, jaunt on over to www.ScottPetersonAppeal.org. Currently the family is requesting that we check our hard drives for any “real time traffic video” from the day of the crime, as well as “photos, surveillance videos or satellite photos of Modesto , the San Francisco Bay and the highways in between on December 24th, 2002.” So be sure to check your hard drive, it’s probably in your Exonerating Evidence folder.

BONUS! If your information leads to Scott’s release from prison, you’ll also receive this hilarious t-shirt, absolutely free!

[tags]scott peterson, reward, crime[/tags]

Product Spotlight: Welcome the living-impaired to your home with this delightful doormat, a stylish and durable celebration of tolerance and diversity.

Hugo Selenski’s attorney argued that there was no physical evidence tying his client to the murders of Frank James and Adeiye Keiler (except for the garbage bags filled with their charred remains found on his property). Cops were actually looking for two other missing people, whose bodies were also found at Selenski’s place, when they came across the garbage bags of James and Keiler’s stubborn teeth and bones that just wouldn’t burn. In the end they found between 5 and 12 people’s remains at Hugo’s.

Selenski, a convicted bank robber who briefly escaped from jail in 2003, has a variety of hobbies including needlepoint, microwave cookery, and luring drug dealers to his house so he can rob and murder them. This time around Hugo was also acquitted of two counts of robbery and one count of conspiracy. However, the jury did find him guilty of abusing a corpse. So although the jury can’t say he killed James and Keiler, they can apparently agree that he burned their bodies.

As soon as he was acquitted the prosecutors charged him with a couple more murders. There are enough bodies in the backyard to keep them all occupied for awhile. After they get tired of that, maybe we can get out some play-dough or the Lite Brite or something.

[tags]Selenski, trial, crime, bones, murder[/tags]

Thanks to some web-savvy law enforcement agents, a bunch of pervs were indicted for chatting it up in Kiddypics & Kiddyvids, where they swapped perv photos with other pervs. Maybe they’ll regret molesting children on real-time video feeds after they get to prison, and experience some real-time molestation courtesy of White Power Bruno. Here are a few resources to help stop child exploitation:

• Operation Predator is a comprehensive initiative designed to protect young people from child pornographers, alien smugglers, human traffickers, and other predatory criminals. Report any suspicious activity by calling 1-866-DHS-2-ICE.
• National Center for Missing and Exploited Children
• Stop It Now: The campaign to prevent child sexual abuse

[tags]crime, child porn, child exploitation, child abuse[/tags]

Sorry about the hiatus! The site will be back up in a few days, just reworking some things, fixing some problems, etc. Soon, all four of you who know about this site will once again be basking in cynicism. I promise.

The FBI isn’t used to being one-upped by people who sell adult diapers and Spongebob shower curtains, but thanks to Target, the kids down at the bureau are left sullenly masticating their humble pie. The national retailer has a fancy-shmancy crime lab in Minneapolis, stocked with all the latest forensic bells ‘n’ whistles. I bet they have some brains in jars, too. The facility was built to help prevent and prosecute crimes within Target, but word spread, and the FBI joined other law enforcement agencies leaving candy and flowers on Target Corp’s doorstep.

The demand for Target’s services was so great, in fact, that they had to develop special rules for all the pro bono cases. Now, they only accept cases involving violent felonies, and have been investigating competitor Wal-Mart for “…cloning an army of ‘manimals,’ horrible half-man, half-beast creatures that hypnotize you, then eat your face.”

In addition, Target is also helping criminal justice agencies communicate more effectively by developing an “inventory” (criminal) control program, a database of offenders that can be used by everyone. But I don’t think practical application of inventory management strategies should stop there. Why can’t we attach plastic security tags to each inmate, like stores do with leather coats? Then if a prisoner tries to leave before his tag is removed, he’ll beep. And everyone will turn and look at him and he’ll get all embarrassed and denounce crime forever.

[tags]Target, FBI, crime lab[/tags]

I studied for two years and racked up thousands of dollars in student loans to earn a M.S. in Criminology. But alas, it was all for naught. Because as it turns out, Everything I Needed to Know About Forensic Science I Learned From CSI.

1) Murder victims are primarily beautiful, blonde starlets.

2) Gang shootings and domestic assaults rarely occur because they are boring.

3) Don’t bother with an unflattering hair net or bulky face mask. A little cross-contamination is a small price to pay to look your best.

4) Lighting the crime lab with a single blacklight saves valuable taxpayer dollars. Just enough to buy a 7-ft plasma T.V. for the break room.

5) Lab technicians routinely carry weapons and apprehend criminals.

6) When collecting evidence, female crime scene investigators should wear very high heels in order to get a bird’s eye view of the crime scene.

7) Fingerprints can be lifted from internal organs.

8) Police detectives often invite crime scene analysts to participate in suspect interrogations, because scientists are sly and cunning.

9) Always wear sexy lingerie in case you are murdered.

10) If your superior in the Sheriff’s department thinks you and your colleagues are a ragtag gang of ne’er-do-well vigilantes, don’t worry. He’s just a plot device.

[tags]CSI, criminology, humor, crime[/tags]