crimgirl

Brian Doyle, a senior public information officer for the office of Homeland Security, was unpleasantly surprised to find that his online chat partner was considerably taller and hairier than the cute little 14-year-old girl he had imagined. A detective posing as a young girl began chatting with Doyle a couple of weeks ago. Doyle sent “her” a bunch of porn movie files via AOL Instant Messenger, asked her what sex acts she would or wouldn’t do with him, and tried to impress her by revealing details about his identity and his job with Homeland Security. He even gave her the number of his state-issued cell phone.

The “girl” told Doyle to be online that evening, saying she had a new webcam. Agents knew he was at home and arrested him in the act, with the chat window still open on his screen.

Here’s an idea for Doyle’s defense attorneys: He’s not attracted to kids, it’s just that his fettish is chatting with law enforcement officials pretending to be young girls. Yeah, that’s it. See, he was just testing you. (If this defense is used, I expect to receive all appropriate royalties and residuals.)

Speaking of high-ranking pervs…
On October 16 the Tampa Tribune published a glowing fluff piece on Frank Figueroa, Tampa’s new special agent-in-charge of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement. The headline read “Agent 007 is Now On Duty in Tampa,” explaining that a big shot like Figueroa was allowed to choose his own badge number. But he didn’t choose it because of the James Bond reference, he says… he chose it because it’s almost kind of similar to his old badge number, 777.

The article goes on to say that Figueroa isn’t bothered by good-natured jabs about his short stature (he’s 5′7″). However, past co-workers admit that Figueroa was always very image-conscious. He wore pastel shirts and linen jackets during the Miami Vice era, and later moved on to wearing $1,000 suits. When fellow employees convinced him to dress less formally, he started wearing the suits with a collarless shirt and a gold chain.

Come on… you know this guy is going down. He’s a little shrimp with a big ego. You don’t even know what he did, and you already want to step on him.

Ten days after the Tampa Tribune published the article, 007 was arrested for flashing his wee-wee at a 16-year-old girl in mall food court. When mall security showed up looking for him, Figueroa, father of two young girls, quickly left the mall and ran through the parking lot. In-the-know security guards stopped him and asked why he was running, he said he was trying to find his car. When asked about the incident in the food court, Figueroa pulled out his badge and said he “didn’t do anything in the food court.”

Being the stand-up guy that he is, Figueroa denied all charges, forcing the teen girl to testify in court. She said he sat about ten feet away from her in the food court and stared at her while exposing himself and masturbating. She thought it was really hot, and slipped him her phone number, explaining to the jury that there was something about short middle-aged men who like to expose themselves to young girls that really turned her on.

Just kidding. She went and found her mom.

Local Tampa blog Sticks of Fire notes that just a couple of weeks before his arrest, Figueroa shut down a store that he said marketed drugs to kids by selling cartoon character-shaped bongs, saying “….we simply will not tolerate this kind of activity in our community.” Blogger Tommy responds, “I guess pulling your junk out in front of children is a different story.”

Today, to avoid his criminal trial that was scheduled to begin tomorrow, Frank Figueroa has plead no contest to the charges filed against him.

Tip: Ladies (or gentleman, I suppose), if someone flashes you, don’t freak out, that’s what he wants. Instead, point and laugh. Then call the police and get his partially-naked ass thrown in jail.