Holland, June 2007 Filled with the heady exuberance of youth (and cocaine), a young Hollandite decided to take daddy’s car for a spin. Four cop cars were damaged as police tried to keep him off the main roads. Finally he crashed into a ditch, but not before destroying some poor farmer’s corn field. Yet another example of why kids shouldn’t be allowed to do blow without parental supervision.
His wife murdered. His children motherless. O.J. Simpson’s family, his money, his career, his life… gone, in an instant.
Though officially exonerated by a jury of his peers, he was still convicted in the court of public opinion. Even the police were convinced of his guilt… if he wanted justice, he’d have to take the law into his own hands, arranging a covert sting operation with the help of his faithful few. With nothing left to lose, he decided to bet it all and let it ride… in Las Vegas.
The man who had wronged him was lured to Vegas with the promise of a quick profit, but O.J.’s cunninger witfulness outsleighted the greedy criminal, leaving him cornered in a Vegas hotel room. Surrounded by his posse of morally outraged, armed vigilantes, O.J. stared into the eyes of his archenemy. “It’s you… you’re him,” he growled, years of anger and frustration bubbling to the surface. “You’re the guy who took my football stuff.”
Reidsville, NC: Seven-year-old Alisha was behind the front counter with her mom, a convenience store clerk, when an armed robber walked in demanding money and cigarettes. Alisha angrily yelled at him to “back off” and chased him out of the store while “mommy called the po-po.” As for his punishment, “He should be locked up by his gills and towed to the police.”
Seattle, WA: A man singing Coldplay’s “Yellow” at a Seattle karaoke bar was violently attacked by an enraged 21-year-old girl. “Oh, no, not that song. I can’t stand that song!” she screamed, and lunged at the singer. It took several people to pull her off of him. I don’t blame the girl, though.. the victim’s blood is on Chris Martin’s immaculately groomed head.
Rochelle, GA: Juanita Jones, 53, called police to “help her get her money back” after discovering she’d unwittingly paid full price for substandard crack. Oh, those crazy crackheads and their madcap shenanigans!!
Kevin Eckenrode, 26, has been convicted of involuntary manslaughter in Pennsylvania for causing the death of his girlfriend, 23-year-old Rachel Kozlusky, whom he dropped out a high-rise window after a night of drinking. You know how it is, guys… you and your best girl are spending the evening together, knocking back a few stiff drinks… Highballs, Hot Toddies, Singapore Slings.. whatever it is the kids are drinking these days. As the two of you embark on your fifth consecutive cocktail hour, you find yourself playfully dangling the love of your life by her wrists out the window of your 23rd floor apartment.
Though the manslaughter was involuntary, the alcohol consumption was not. True, drinking can help you forget your troubles, but it can also cause you to forget basic laws of physics when you need them most.
The moral of the story is, never drink more than four feet off the ground unless you’re tethered to something.
It’s true.. Tigger has been accused of assault. We’d expect this kind of behavior from Eeyore, maybe even Rabbit. But Tigger? A home movie shot by the victim’s devoted and litigious father shows a child… well, not so much a child, more a teenage boy… being hit or possibly pawed while posing for a picture at Disney World.
Unfortunately, the victim may be in more danger than ever now that his friends have seen pictures of Tigger kicking his pansy ass. Of course, compounding the threat is the elevated risk of Pooh Family reprisals.
The Fox Network has long been known for its unwaivering commitment to producing quality original programs like When Animals Attack and Temptation Island (both of which, if I recall correctly, taught us to believe again). That strong moral compass is undoubtedly why Rupert Murdock and Co. chose to cancel O.J. Simpson’s book and accompanying television interview entitled “If I Did It,” a hypothetical confession to the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. Just to clear up any misconceptions, the cancellation had nothing (NOTHING!) to do with public outrage, sponsor withdrawal, ratings, profit loss, or the fact that anyone who saw the trial already knows how he did it.
On a side note… While searching for news articles on the O.J. Simpson book, I came across this bizarre Google ad:
If I did it?
If you did it enough, you’d need
BabySakes, the baby book superstore
www.Baby-Memory-Books.com
(…I’d say something witty, but I don’t want to spoil the moment.)
In Durham, Oregon, yet another exhausted police department has been persuaded by a murder victim’s family to allow a psychic to aid them after they hit a dead-end in the investigation. No word yet on whether Laurie McQuery, who became psychic after a horseback riding accident, has been able to provide the police with any useful information; it is also unclear whether the horse was psychic, and died in the accident, and then passed it’s spirit on to McQuery. I can’t answer that with absolute certainty but based on my limited knowledge of clairvoyant livestock, I would have to say yes, definitely.
Remember those miners who were trapped back in January? I was listening to a radio interview with notorious psychic detective Sylvia Brown that final night when, through some tragic miscommunication, the media reported that just one miner had died and 12 had survived. The host broke the news during his interview with Sylvia, and asked her if that was the outcome she predicted. “Oh, I knew they would be found,” she happily replied. A short time later the media issued a correction: Only one miner had survived, the rest had died. The radio host asked Sylvia to explain why her psychic powers had failed. In a flash she pulled a Spandex leotard over her leathery, makeup-caked flesh and performed an impressive, if poorly executed backflip, stating that she had “said they would be found, but never said they would be found alive.”
As for the murder victim in Durham, I’m going to have to guess she’s near water, and… I see… green, plants or trees, I think. What’s that? They already found the body in a basement, and now they’re just looking for the killer? Oh. Well I think the killer is near water, by a tree.
Actor Daniel Baldwin detained by police
Wait… there’s a Daniel Baldwin? How many crappy actors can one woman birth?
Man convicted of keeping dead mother in freezer to collect Social Security avoids prison
Okay, I know ignorance of the law is no excuse, but who would have guessed it’s illegal to freeze mom’s corpse for purposes of defrauding the federal government? Keep your laws off my mom’s body.
Dog-cooking, tree-taking school-burner may lose job
BEIJING (Reuters) – “A Chinese headmaster, who tried to buy off colleagues by cooking dog meat for them after secretly selling off trees around the school, ended up setting fire to classrooms when the meal burst into flames, a Chinese newspaper said Friday.” Well, that’s communism for you.
Cop censured for moonlighting as a hooker
Now, I know ignorance of the law is no excuse, but…. oh never mind.
Come on girls, let’s be brutally honest. Who among us hasn’t murdered a loved one and used the life insurance payoff to get our breasts enlarged?
Cynthia Sommer, 32, was a voluptuous debutante trapped in a flat-as-a-pancake body. A Coach-sporting fashionista hindered by a pleather knockoff budget. Why didn’t she just go marry some old rich perv, like every other self-respecting gold digger?? I guess we’ll never know.
Instead, at age 30 with three kids, she married a 23-year-old Marine. Sgt. Todd Sommer complained of feeling sick in early February 2002, then collapsed ten days later. Police thought he’d died of a heart condition until a little forensic detectiveryness found that his liver contained 1,020 times the normal level of arsenic. His wife explained that his favorite breakfast cereal is Arsen-O’s.
Cynthia’s defense attorney went on about how difficult the arrest had been for her four children (three from a previous relationship). He didn’t mention how difficult it was for the children when daddy dropped dead and mommy spent the next few weeks partying at strip clubs and sleeping with other marines.
Ten days after Todd died, Cynthia scheduled her boob job. She got $250,000 from Todd’s life insurance as well as $1,871 a month from the Department of Veterans Affairs. That easily covered her $23,000 in credit card debt and her $5,000 surgery.
Her lawyer argued that she didn’t really benefit from her husband’s death, since she broke even after about a year. It seems the ability to spend $250,000 in one year is now a murder defense. But dude, I bet she’s totally foxy now, so it was way worth it.