If there is, I don’t wanna know about it.

Megan Meier: In 2006, when she was 13 years old, Megan hung herself in her bedroom closet after receiving a cruel message from her Myspace crush. Her dad later saw it on the screen.. 16-year-old Josh Evans had told Megan the world would be a better place without her. Ouch, baby.

Lori Drew: Megan’s ex-friend’s 48-year-old mom. She heard Megan was saying nasty stuff about her kid, so she invented “Josh Evans” and created a profile for him on Myspace. The plan was to gain Megan’s trust and “find out what she thought about [Lori's daughter] and about other people,” per the police report. Right now she’s neck-and-neck with Britney Spears for Mother of the Year.

Ashley Grills: A 19-year-old temp employed by Lori Drew. She appeared on Good Morning America to defend herself against Lori’s assertion that the shenanigans were all her idea. Per Ashley, Lori was the instigator, even suggesting they could set up a meeting between Josh and Megan at the mall, then show up to laugh at her.

What happened: Megan’s parents found her in her closet, the message from “Josh” still on her computer screen. They had no inkling Josh wasn’t real until six weeks after Megan’s death. The Meiers and Drews lived in the same neighborhood, and eventually word leaked. The Drews became pariahs (my mom says that’s different than piranhas but sometimes I get them mixed up since both are things you don’t want to be around) and a target of self-righteous vandals.

Against the advice of neighbors, Lori and her husband Curt went to the Meiers’ house to “explain” and when they weren’t let in, started banging on the doors. On Thanksgiving. Click the report if you have weak eyes. (It’s okay, nobody’s recording your IP address and selling information indicating corneal defects to your health insurance provider at a tidy profit.)

Local law enforcement didn’t press charges for the Myspace incident because they felt that technically, no crime had been committed. But federal authorities became involved and, in unprecedented precedent, Lori Drew is now facing prosecution for violating Myspace terms of service by creating a false account.

Rob McKenna sez: “The Bill of Rights is part of this complete breakfast!”

Watch out America. The feds are coming after you for that Facebook account you made for the pair of mules in the muddy corral off 228th St in Canyon Park. It’s all fun and games until somebody gets indicted.

[Note: To be fair, you could have made a separate account for each mule; combining them is indicative of your maturity and restraint.]

Red Meat by Max Cannon

Chet Stiles, 27, appeared in a Las Vegas courtroom yesterday to confirm he’s broke and needs a court-appointed attorney to defend him against charges he sexually assaulted a 3-year-old girl. Oh, and filmed it. But in time-honored American tradition, a man who raped a toddler on videotape will still cost taxpayers millions of dollars with a “not guilty” plea. You might argue that these millions would be better spent on sex offender treatment, or restitution for his victim, or food for starving children. You fascist.

Remember fellow countrypersons, ’tis better ten videotaped child rapists go free than one defense attorney piss himself in a fit of constitutionally protected rage.

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I found this article in a scanned vintage newspaper, it was part of a syndicated feature called “Chronology of the Year”, a veritable orgy of death statistics published in the U.S. at the end of 1901. It seems there were 131 recorded lynchings in the United States that year. We can be confident in the accuracy of that number, I surmise, because lynchings were so carefully documented by unbiased journalists and local law enforcement officials. It certainly puts one’s mind at ease to learn that only nine of the year’s 131 lynchings were motivated by racial prejudice. The remaining 122 executions were justified with various reasons including a lynching for forcing a white boy to commit a crime. “I swear, ma! The negro made me do it!”

Via The Perry Bible Fellowship by boy-genius Nicholas Gurewitch

Kevin Eckenrode, 26, has been convicted of involuntary manslaughter in Pennsylvania for causing the death of his girlfriend, 23-year-old Rachel Kozlusky, whom he dropped out a high-rise window after a night of drinking. You know how it is, guys… you and your best girl are spending the evening together, knocking back a few stiff drinks… Highballs, Hot Toddies, Singapore Slings.. whatever it is the kids are drinking these days. As the two of you embark on your fifth consecutive cocktail hour, you find yourself playfully dangling the love of your life by her wrists out the window of your 23rd floor apartment.

Though the manslaughter was involuntary, the alcohol consumption was not. True, drinking can help you forget your troubles, but it can also cause you to forget basic laws of physics when you need them most.

The moral of the story is, never drink more than four feet off the ground unless you’re tethered to something.

A Paris prisoner confessed to murder last Wednesday after his cellmate was found dead with a substantial chest wound. The prisoner boasted he ate his victim’s heart, but it appears he just ate some of the surrounding muscle and tissue. Parisians and cannibals were outraged and demanded the prisoner be charged and prosecuted for giving a false statement to police.

News: India fires 6 policemen over deaths of children, women

In a country long known for its outstanding commitment to social equality, citizens were outraged after learning local police essentially ignored reports that poor women and children have been disappearing from a wealthy suburb of Delhi over the past two years.

One migrant worker told reporters that when she asked police to investigate the disappearance of her 20-year-old daughter, they laughed, saying “Why do you people have so many children if you can’t look after them?” Of course, this was before they found the dismembered remains of at least 17 women and children in the sewer behind a businessman’s residence. He was arrested, along with his faithful manservant accomplice who reportedly performed domestic chores, including light kidnapping and body disposal.

After the first wave of nausea and abject horror, I was left wondering.. since when is killing women illegal in India? I kid, I kid! Seriously though, you guys are great.

A Nebraskan judge sentenced 50-year-old Richard Thompson to 10 years of probation rather than the standard 10 years in prison for repeatedly molesting a 12-year-old girl. At 5′1″, the shrimpy perv would never survive in prison, reasoned the judge. Of course, you could argue that Thompson becoming some huge, tatooed gangbanger’s bitch is just poetic justice. But that would make you sick and heartless.

Standing up for the little guy is Joe Mangano, secretary of the National Organization of Short Statured Adults. In a memorable quote recorded here for posterity, Mangano observed that “It’s good to see somebody looking out for someone who is a short person.”

No word yet on the height of Thompson’s 12-year-old victim.