What does Scientology have to do with Criminology?Scientology, the infamous religion of intellectual giants like Tom Cruise and John Travolta, was first associated with criminal activity in 1973 when Scientology leaders began operation “Snow White.” Despite the whimsical code name, Snow White was in reality a very successful plot by the religion’s founder, L. Ron Hubbard, to destroy anyone who spoke out against Scientology or looked at him cross-eyed. Since then, leaders of the church have been a part of all sorts of crazy shenanigans. For example, some of them (including Hubbard’s wife) spent time in prison for infiltrating, burglarizing, and bugging the IRS. Additionally, the church has been repeatedly accused of fraud, wrongful death, false imprisonment, assault, and harassment. It’s had to pay megabucks in damages to victims of its emotional, psychological, and physical abuse.
Because of an alien supervillain named Xenu. But let’s back up for a moment, shall we? Scientology teaches that many of life’s problems are due to traumatic past life experiences. Some of these are personal experiences, others are common memories shared by all mankind. For example, Hubbard explained that since we all evolved from clams, many of us harbor residual post-traumatic stress from repeatedly opening and closing our shells, being assaulted by birds, and so forth. However, the most important of these shared past life experiences involves Xenu, the aforementioned space overlord. But BEWARE: The Church of Scientology warns that learning this information without proper mental preparation may cause severe illness or death.
That’s right, kids… It’s another
XENU ADVENTURE!75 million years ago, Xenu wanted to reduce the population of several crowded planets. He, along with some renegade space soldiers and space psychiatrists (no wonder Tom Cruise hates them so much), conned billions of poor suckers by ordering them to show up for a tax inspection. The dutiful taxpayers (called “thetans”) where then sedated, loaded onto space planes, flown to Earth (then called Teegeeack), and piled around volcanoes. Then Xenu, filled with animus and illdisposedness, dropped H-bombs into the volcanoes and *poof!* no more population problem. Still, Xenu didn’t want Thetan souls floating back to his planets. And who can really blame him? So Xenu thought about it and decided the best way to handle the situation was to catch all the souls with sticky electronic beams and make them watch 3-D movies that would convince them that they were God, Christ, or the Devil. Afterwards, the souls inhabited the few bodies they could find, and they’re still hanging around us to this day. If you want to get rid of them, you’ll have to “shell out” money like the pathetic clam you are.
Oh, and as you may have guessed, Xenu was eventually imprisoned by an electronic forcefield in an alien mountain for all eternity.
[tags]Tom Cruise, scientology, criminology[/tags]
Crimgirl, you’ve performed an enormous public service by condensing L. Ron Hubbard’s weak sci-fi writings down to a single column of irony. I plan to refer ALL of my prospects to this site, and THEN administer the “personality test” revealing that each and every one of them can fulfill all that is lacking in their miserably inadequate personalities with wads of cash directed to the bottomless pockets of whoever the heck is buying Ferarris at the top of the Scientology heap. Can’t be L. Ron–He’s part of the sticky force-field now.
Kim