Posts Tagged ‘crime’
The Onion: Supreme Court Rules Death Penalty Is ‘Totally Badass’
Sunday, July 20th, 2008QUICK TIP: How not to date a felon
Saturday, June 28th, 2008Okay, I’ve had it up to.. yeah, to here. Next time you agree to go out with some nutjob who hit on you at the Citgo (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE), don’t come crying to me.
MOST COURT RECORDS ARE PUBLIC. You know what that means, doncha girls? That’s right. “I didn’t know!” won’t cut it anymore. Rules differ depending on jurisdiction so just Google your state and/or county and the word “courts” to find info. (If you can’t find them anywhere else, U.S. Superior Court records are available through PACER, which requires a subscription.)
Example: Washington State
Go to Washington Courts Online to search by name. This can be a little addictive. Family members, ex-whatevers, that weird chemistry teacher from 8th grade… go nuts. That means it can be difficult to tell which ones are serious offenses, so don’t assume the worst if his name pops up. Or do. Ya know, whatever humps your camel.
In Washington, most courthouses have public computers with access to court records from any county. Using the system (which allegedly predates the Taft administration) can be tricky so don’t be afraid to ask for help. If you have a case number from the name search above, bring it in to find out the details. If it’s a common name you can compare date of birth, address, etc to see if the guy you’re into is child-molesting Brad Smith or expired-fishing license Brad Smith.
This post courtesy of the Consortium for Condescending Paternalism
Is there anything less preventable than teen suicide?
Wednesday, May 21st, 2008If there is, I don’t wanna know about it.
Megan Meier: In 2006, when she was 13 years old, Megan hung herself in her bedroom closet after receiving a cruel message from her Myspace crush. Her dad later saw it on the screen.. 16-year-old Josh Evans had told Megan the world would be a better place without her. Ouch, baby.
Lori Drew: Megan’s ex-friend’s 48-year-old mom. She heard Megan was saying nasty stuff about her kid, so she invented “Josh Evans” and created a profile for him on Myspace. The plan was to gain Megan’s trust and “find out what she thought about [Lori's daughter] and about other people,” per the police report. Right now she’s neck-and-neck with Britney Spears for Mother of the Year.
Ashley Grills: A 19-year-old temp employed by Lori Drew. She appeared on Good Morning America to defend herself against Lori’s assertion that the shenanigans were all her idea. Per Ashley, Lori was the instigator, even suggesting they could set up a meeting between Josh and Megan at the mall, then show up to laugh at her.
What happened: Megan’s parents found her in her closet, the message from “Josh” still on her computer screen. They had no inkling Josh wasn’t real until six weeks after Megan’s death. The Meiers and Drews lived in the same neighborhood, and eventually word leaked. The Drews became pariahs (my mom says that’s different than piranhas but sometimes I get them mixed up since both are things you don’t want to be around) and a target of self-righteous vandals.
Against the advice of neighbors, Lori and her husband 
Curt went to the Meiers’ house to “explain” and when they weren’t let in, started banging on the doors. On Thanksgiving. Click the report if you have weak eyes. (It’s okay, nobody’s recording your IP address and selling information indicating corneal defects to your health insurance provider at a tidy profit.)
Local law enforcement didn’t press charges for the Myspace incident because they felt that technically, no crime had been committed. But federal authorities became involved and, in unprecedented precedent, Lori Drew is now facing prosecution for violating Myspace terms of service by creating a false account.
Rob McKenna sez: “The Bill of Rights is part of this complete breakfast!”
Watch out America. The feds are coming after you for that Facebook account you made for the pair of mules in the muddy corral off 228th St in Canyon Park. It’s all fun and games until somebody gets indicted.
[Note: To be fair, you could have made a separate account for each mule; combining them is indicative of your maturity and restraint.]
Oh Kenneth, you’re incorrigible.
Monday, March 31st, 2008
A delicious crime scene
Tuesday, January 1st, 2008
No need to gild the lily…
Sunday, December 30th, 2007…these stories speak for themselves.
Knoxville, TN – December 30, 2007: A Hooter’s patron upset over his bar tab shot and killed a female customer walking out of the restaurant at around 1am. “These things don’t happen at Hooter’s,” said area Hooter’s president Shannon Herlihy. Police are still searching for the suspect, described as a “white male who was missing his front teeth and was wearing jeans and a black jacket decorated in rhinestones.”
Tokyo, Japan - A government survey of former prison inmates in Japan found that many felt their prison-issued, vertically striped grayish pajamas were unfashionable. About half disliked the color, and 44 percent agreed the design was ugly.
Bangkok, Thailand - Thai police officers who litter, arrive late, park in a prohibited area, or commit other selected misdemeanors will be forced to wear an armband featuring Hello Kitty sitting atop two hearts and stay at the police station all day. “Simple warnings no longer work. This new twist is expected to make them feel guilt and shame and prevent them from repeating the offense, no matter how minor,” said Police Col. Pongpat Chayaphan, acting chief of the Crime Suppression Division in Bangkok, an international hub of human trafficking and child prostitution.
Empathy
Wednesday, November 14th, 2007
Chicks, man.
Friday, November 9th, 2007
And another thing: Why don’t cops wear ties anymore? Those were the days… men dressed respectable-like, and kept those uppity dames in line.
I would totally kill for bigger boobs
Thursday, July 13th, 2006
Come on girls, let’s be brutally honest. Who among us hasn’t murdered a loved one and used the life insurance payoff to get our breasts enlarged?
Cynthia Sommer, 32, was a voluptuous debutante trapped in a flat-as-a-pancake body. A Coach-sporting fashionista hindered by a pleather knockoff budget. Why didn’t she just go marry some old rich perv, like every other self-respecting gold digger?? I guess we’ll never know.
Instead, at age 30 with three kids, she married a 23-year-old Marine. Sgt. Todd Sommer complained of feeling sick in early February 2002, then collapsed ten days later. Police thought he’d died of a heart condition until a little forensic detectiveryness found that his liver contained 1,020 times the normal level of arsenic. His wife explained that his favorite breakfast cereal is Arsen-O’s.
Cynthia’s defense attorney went on about how difficult the arrest had been for her four children (three from a previous relationship). He didn’t mention how difficult it was for the children when daddy dropped dead and mommy spent the next few weeks partying at strip clubs and sleeping with other marines.
Ten days after Todd died, Cynthia scheduled her boob job. She got $250,000 from Todd’s life insurance as well as $1,871 a month from the Department of Veterans Affairs. That easily covered her $23,000 in credit card debt and her $5,000 surgery.
Her lawyer argued that she didn’t really benefit from her husband’s death, since she broke even after about a year. It seems the ability to spend $250,000 in one year is now a murder defense. But dude, I bet she’s totally foxy now, so it was way worth it.
Vicious Chihuahua assault
Tuesday, June 13th, 2006A Missouri woman, furious that her Chihuahua puppy died after being sold to her much too young, forced her way into the dog breeder’s house and attempted to dash to the basement for a new puppy. The breeder was able to wrestle her onto the front porch, at which point the grieving dog-lover assaulted the breeder by hitting her over the head repeatedly with her dead puppy. She then got in her car and drove away, all the while screaming threats and waving the dog corpse out her sunroof.
The next day she continued threatening the breeder and her family by phone. Police have not specified the nature of the threats, but they must have been terrifying. If a woman comes at you brandishing a dead Chihuahua, you know you’re in trouble. Because if she doesn’t kill you the first time, you can bet she’ll be back with an even deadlier assault weapon, like maybe a dead schnauzer. And when you see her backing up to your house with a catapult and a lifeless Burmese Mountain Dog in her pickup bed, all you can do is pray for a quick death.