Posts Tagged ‘murder’

Tom: Murder or suicide? Perhaps we’ll never know.

Monday, January 21st, 2008

MySpace Murder I admit it: I dislike Myspace. But I don’t loathe it more than any other faddish social networking site. I can actually smell stale beer and vomit emanating from Facebook, and though I’m not totally clear on the details, I’m pretty sure browsing Myspace spreads venereal disease.

But Tom didn’t deserve this. He just wanted everyone to be his friend… is that so wrong? I don’t know who committed this atrocious crime, but there’s no shortage of suspects.

For example, me. I’ve made it pretty clear I don’t like Myspace. I can’t deny it, it’s in the first paragraph, right there in black and white. Also I have no alibi for the murder since no matter what night it took place, I can almost guarantee you I was home, alone, counting my money. And then putting it in penny rolls so the bank lady won’t get mad at me.

Myspace murder suspectAnother suspect is This Guy (right). I can’t quite make out his face, but word is he was recently seen in the vicinity of the internet. Clearly he has an ax to grind with Tom… but so do many other 14-year-old Hot Topic customers with twenty bucks of t-shirt money burning a hole in their pocket-protector protected pockets.

The plot thickens.

Kennedy Kurse

Wednesday, January 2nd, 2008

Camelot

Red Meat by Max Cannon

A delicious crime scene

Tuesday, January 1st, 2008

For forensic foodies

I would totally kill for bigger boobs

Thursday, July 13th, 2006

Come on girls, let’s be brutally honest. Who among us hasn’t murdered a loved one and used the life insurance payoff to get our breasts enlarged?

Cynthia Sommer, 32, was a voluptuous debutante trapped in a flat-as-a-pancake body. A Coach-sporting fashionista hindered by a pleather knockoff budget. Why didn’t she just go marry some old rich perv, like every other self-respecting gold digger?? I guess we’ll never know.

Instead, at age 30 with three kids, she married a 23-year-old Marine. Sgt. Todd Sommer complained of feeling sick in early February 2002, then collapsed ten days later. Police thought he’d died of a heart condition until a little forensic detectiveryness found that his liver contained 1,020 times the normal level of arsenic. His wife explained that his favorite breakfast cereal is Arsen-O’s.

Cynthia’s defense attorney went on about how difficult the arrest had been for her four children (three from a previous relationship). He didn’t mention how difficult it was for the children when daddy dropped dead and mommy spent the next few weeks partying at strip clubs and sleeping with other marines.

Ten days after Todd died, Cynthia scheduled her boob job. She got $250,000 from Todd’s life insurance as well as $1,871 a month from the Department of Veterans Affairs. That easily covered her $23,000 in credit card debt and her $5,000 surgery.

Her lawyer argued that she didn’t really benefit from her husband’s death, since she broke even after about a year. It seems the ability to spend $250,000 in one year is now a murder defense. But dude, I bet she’s totally foxy now, so it was way worth it.

‘Mafia Cops’ get away with murder?

Monday, July 3rd, 2006

A few weeks ago, Judge Weinstein promised life sentences for the two New York detectives whose entrepreneurial spirit led them to lucrative side-jobs as mob hitmen. Stephen Caracappa and Louis Mafia CopsEppolito were convicted of a racketeering conspiracy that included arranging and/or committing eight murders. But now the judge has changed his mind… it seems the five-year (??!!) statute of limitations has run out on the racketeering murder charges. Evidently, this issue had slipped Weinstein’s mind during the entire trial, during which the defense argued that the statute of limitations had run out on the racketeering murder charges. If you follow me.

How to explain Judge Weinstein’s sudden change of heart? I’m guessing the judge recently received a couple of unscheduled visitors:

Gangster #1: “Say, judge, that’s a real nice Jaguar you got out there in the parking lot. It’d be a shame if some clumsy individual were to yank off the signature hood ornament and toss it in the east river.”

Gangster #2: “Gee, that would be a shame, Ganster #1… especially since it takes 6 to 8 weeks for the manufacterer to send out a new one. Then, you probly have to pay a garage to stick it back on, all professional-like.”

The 12 jurors were instructed on the statute laws before their deliberations, but ultimately agreed with the prosecution’s argument that the murders were part of an overall racketeering conspiracy that continued through the years, finally ending less than five years ago.

After the jury came back with guilty verdicts on all counts, Judge Weinstein stated that the “mafia cops” had committed the most heinous crimes ever heard in his courtroom, and would spend their lives in prison. In his recent decision to overturn the conviction the judge admitted the men were clearly guilty on all counts, siting that pesky statute technicality as the reason they’ll get away with murder. Not only that.. our boys get brand new trials for their additional money laundering and drug convictions.

First of all, how is it that these murders have a statute of limitations? Does wrapping the murders up in a racketeering conspiracy charge negate seperate murder charges? If so, why did the prosecution choose racketeering conspiracy over murder, when racketeering is notoriously difficult to prove? I’m sure there are very satisfactory answers to these questions, but I’m really much too lazy to look them up.

New Orleans gets back to normal

Friday, June 23rd, 2006

The beginning of the New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival, along with the deaths of five teenagers in a gang shoot-out last week, serves to reassure New Orleans residents that the city is finally returning to normal. In 2004, for every murder committed in New York, eight people were murdered in New Orleans. Determined not to let Hurricane Katrina change their lifestyle, New Orleans criminals are well on their way to not only meeting, but exceeding pre-Katrina crime rates. Meanwhile, officials continue to point out that crime rates are down overall. Which is just super… then again, there isn’t really much to steal or deface, is there now?

**BREAKING NEWS UPDATE!** In a shocking, completely unexpected turn of events, New Orleans police have revealed that the deaths of the five teenagers may have been drug-related.

O.J. Simpson flaunts double murder, double jeopardy

Friday, May 12th, 2006

O.J. SimpsonIn his new candid camera-style television comedy special, Juiced, killer and author O.J. Simpson goes to a car lot to sell the famous white Bronco he used to evade police. In his staged sales pitch, O.J. tells the prospective buyer that he made the Bronco famous. “It was good for me,” he says. “It helped me get away.”

But before you judge him too harshly, keep in mind that O.J. has been tireless in his effort to find the real murderer(s) of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, scouring dozens of private golf courses for clues. Working on a hunch, O.J. has put together a list of other venues in which he believes murderous drug dealers are likely to hide including amusement parks, country clubs, yachts, and four-star restaurants.

It’s rough being a murderer

Thursday, February 16th, 2006

On this day in 1961, Wilbert Rideau, age 19, robbed a Louisiana bank of $14,000 and kidnapped bank manager Jay Hickman and tellers Julia Ferguson and Dora McCain. Rideau forced them into Ferguson’s car and drove to a remote area where he shot all three. Julia Ferguson had the audacity to beg for her life, so Rideau walked over to her and repeatedly stabbed her in the heart. Hickman and McCain survived.

Killer turned victimIt’s the south in the early 1960s: Racism is rampant, segregation is widespread. A media-happy sheriff conducted his interrogation in front of television cameras, and Rideau’s video confession was played on the local news. Last year Rideau explained he only confessed because, “I had never seen a television camera before. All I saw were bright lights and shadowy figures… I thought this must be the electric chair I’d heard about. I thought they were going to execute me.” Uh huh.

Anyhoo, after the confession, Rideau was found guilty by a southern all-white, all-male jury. It’s probable the jurors were racist, corn-fed Klanners; however, this doesn’t negate the fact that Rideau committed the crimes. The verdict was eventually overturned because the confession’s broadcast had tainted the jury pool. In the years to come, two more trials and two more guilty verdicts were overturned on the grounds of racial bias and other jury selection violations. In 2005, a fourth trial took place. The prosecution said he murdered a woman in cold blood, and should spend life in prison. Rideau argued that he killed her, but he didn’t murder her.

A racially mixed jury was selected in Lake Charles, LA. To ensure jury nullification, Johnny “Chewbacca” Cochran was hired to lead the defense team. Cochran played up the strengths of their case:

  • In prison Wilbert Rideau had published an award-winning prison-bashing magazine, co-authored a Criminal Justice textbook, shared an Academy Award nomination for an anti-prison documentary, become a sought-after lecturer, and gained many high-profile supporters who fought for his freedom.
  • Racist officials were racist.
  • Thirteen prosecution witnesses were now dead.
  • In a major victory for the defense, the judge only allowed the jury to consider verdicts that would have been available in 1961: Premeditated murder (life without parole) or manslaughter (21 years). If they had gone by 2005 law, he would have almost certainly been sentenced to life without parole, the sentence for killing someone in the commission of a felony.
  • Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor, with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks?

Well, Johnny straightened us out, and Rideau walked out with time served. It seems we were all turned around about who the victim was in this case. If you thought it was Julia Ferguson, the Sunday school teacher who cared for her invalid father and was stabbed as she begged for her life, you were waaaaaaaaay off.

The victim is poor Wilbert Rideau, who stated he would have been released from prison years ago, but the man kept him locked up just because he was a black man who killed a white woman. So, he’s a victim of his victim’s race. Not only that; he was the unwitting victim of a nefarious telephone that rang and startled him during the armed robbery, forcing him to take hostages.

Today, Rideau is a media darling happily steeping in victimhood. NPR refers to him not as a murderer or ex-con, but as an “embattled journalist.” When the taped confession was played at the 2005 trial, the Washington Post describes young Wilbert as a “skinny and frightened man, his voice barely audible.” Rideau watched his recorded confession from the defense table”with his hands folded beneath his chin, prayerlike.” The same man who left Julia Ferguson bleeding on the road, deadlike.

“Everything I became, everything I have achieved, has been in spite of this unholy force from Lake Charles dedicated to destroying me and denying me the ability to be anything more than the criminal they wanted me to be.” ~Wilbert Rideau